Day 4: So much loss but new gains

I didn't write yesterday because my son was ill. I felt bad about missing work but realize that my son will only be young once and it was a gift to spend the day with him.
My husband and I discussed the loss of faith in affairs. In most affairs, it seems "normal" for the offending spouse to lose their faith and ignore God because he/she knows they are breaking a commandment. Last night H and I watched the movie "Fireproof". I highly recommend it for couples who are trying to recover from an affair and do not turn their noses up at a higher power. It was very inspiring to me to know that other people are struggling with the same temptations but can overcome it. I finally now understand AA's step in giving the addiction over to God. I used to keep a God jar. Anything that was bothering me would be written on a piece of paper and put in the jar for God to take care of. I need to start doing that again.
I feel stronger than I have in a long time.
I got the dreaded question yesterday, "Who are my godparents?" Ugh.........the sister of my affair partner and her husband are the godparents to one of my children. I met her 16 years ago. She was the first friend I met when I moved to a new city. We had a lot in common. We helped each other through many tough times. I am also the godmother to one of her children. So, this affair cost me my friendship with her. It is heartbreaking. Neither one of us knew the impact it would have on so many people. I had to write her a letter ending our friendship. I tried to explain to her that it would be too risky for me to be in contact with anyone associated with her brother. I had to look at it as staying friends with someone who was related to my drug dealer.
For 6 months, I focused on my losses. Now am I realizing not only what I was lucky enough NOT to lose but what I've also gained. I have back the man I fell in love with, I have a greater appreciation of my children and lifestyle. I even have more respect for MY brother, his wife, and my parents. My parents have been married for 53 years! I am getting my faith back. I am a better version of who I was before my world fell apart. It only fell apart because I allowed it, too. I take full responsibility in taking the "easy way out" of my stress and problems.
What else have I gained? A maturity that I didn't have before. I am 41 and need to grow up. I was stuck in the stage of needing instant gratification. We children of the 80's are so impatient.
I am learning what love really means. Love is being thankful for what you have and making the best of your life. Love is putting other people's feelings before your own. Love is trusting and believing in God. Love is being the best person you can be. Love is living by a strong set of values and maintaining a good character. Love is not selfish!!!
So, H and I are going to do the steps in the book "Love Dare". Not only do I want to do whatever it takes to keep my family together and fix my marriage, but also I want to do it with enthusiasm.
I now get the term "born again". I realized I want to be different and better and I CAN be. Nothing is stopping me. Satan cannot stop me. My addictions cannot stop me. I am in full control.
The only part of me that I've never been in control of (until now) is my depression. Do not ever be hesitant about being on an antidepressant if it's going to help you get better. I am finally on the right dose and it's made the biggest difference. Life is not a black hole for me anymore. The glass is half full now.
If you're recovering from an affair and are in a deep depression, you WILL get through it. Be proactive in helping yourself before you help your marriage. Grieve the loss of your affair partner. You have to look at it as your AP dying. Go through the steps of grief. Don't put a band aid on a cut so deep it needs stitches. Deal with the wound until it heals properly. How freeing it is for me to finally reach the stage of acceptance!
How do you come to accept your sins?

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.

Cross references:

1. Psalm 34:18 : Psalm 51:17; 147:3; Isa 61:1
2. Psalm 34:18 : Isa 57:15; 66:2; Luke 15:17-24

Day 2: How to forgive myself

My cousin, who is also my sponsor, says I need to forgive myself. See, she also had an affair and left her husband and they are divorced now. The man she left her husband for is not really in her life any longer. She told me her biggest mistake was leaving her husband for another man.
You need to make it work with whomever you married because there was a reason you married that person. The reason I married my husband? I mentioned yesterday that he's handsome, sweet, sexy, intelligent, kind, and a wonderful father. The reason I cheated? Selfishness.
I was feeling lonely and insecure and I didn't know how to tell him what I needed. So, I lowered my expectations and made myself feel better by being with someone who didn't fit my old values. My new values? I didn't have any...........I was walking down the road naked with no food and freezing cold with my husband yelling after me that he will help me. I didn't hear him.......I didn't care to listen. I kept going in my isolation and then, there in the desert, stood Satan with open arms. "I will hold you. I will care for you. I will love you." I stumbled into his arms. I was comfortable there for three years. For three years, I abandoned God and did as Satan said.
Who saved me? Ha.......ironically it was Satan himself. He became greedy and exposed our love affair. That's when I started looking behind me. It was foggy but I could see the shape of my husband and my kids in the distance. I turned around and stared but Satan, for two more months, whispered "come back to me."
Then one day in May, I wrote the letter. The no contact forever letter asking him to leave me alone forever.
I turned around and walked back to my husband at the other end of the desert.....sobbing the entire way. Throwing up that I had to give up the sick hold that Satan had on me. "But we have so much fun together. We have an unbearably happy escape together. Don't leave the bubble."
I broke the bubble. I had, too. But I felt like Jesus bleeding on the cross. Blood soaking into the sand. My bloody footprints behind me. I kept walking for six months. Dragging my bloody feet through the hot sand. So thirsty for water and knew if I went back that Satan would give me the water I needed.
But I kept going. I fought my way through the fog and the illusions and fell into my husbands arms. There he held me. As hurt as he is from my abandonment.....he still held me in his arms until I was able to stand again. 6 months it took me to stand up again. Slowly, with my husbands help, I began to speak again. I showered. I became human again.
But Satan lingers.........he has left me alone physically but emotionally he still lingers. He whispers in my ear. He makes false promises "if only I would come back to him." He haunts my dreams. I fight his images every day. EVERY day. I have read and re-read "Dirty Girls Come Clean." It's great for any addiction. http://www.dirtygirlsministries.com/
How do you forgive yourself for still thinking about Satan? How do you stop thinking about him and his temptations?

Matthew 12:31

Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven people, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.

Cross references:

1. Matthew 12:31 : For Matthew 12:31, 32, Mark 3:28-30; Luke 12:10; Heb 6:4-6; 10:26; 1 John 5:16
2. Matthew 12:31 : Acts 7:51; Heb 10:29

Day 1: My healing journey finally begins

I don't know where to start. I am not an overly religious person. I grew up Catholic. I was married in the Catholic church, I am still Catholic, and my children go to Catholic school. However, somewhere along the way, I lost my faith. I used to go to church every Sunday even when I was single. It was a place for me to repent and relax. I was proud of being Catholic until I encountered infertility. The Catholic church does not support Invitro-fertilization but that's what I needed to have my children. I think this is when I began to doubt that there was a God. I kept thinking that God would not consider having children (no matter how you have them) a sin. I slowly began to move away from my faith and this led me into hell.
It began when I became pregnant on my own when my twins were only a year old. This was not a blessing to me at the time.......it was a burden. I actually discussed aborting this child.
I did not do that but I wasn't happy about having another child. Then I had my tubes tied and our extra embryos destroyed and I just fell deeper and deeper into the fire pit of hell.
During the summer of 2008, I reconnected with an old friend. We had only dated a few times in 1996. I had no attraction to him then. I saw what a mess he was at the time.......alcoholic, cocaine addict, braggert, materialistic. He did not fill my values so I moved away from him. Then I met my husband. My sweet, good, handsome, smart, everything I always wanted husband. We married in 1999.
Back to the summer of 2008......my husband and I were disconnected. I was emotionally a wreck. I was depressed. I felt as if I had no identity except for being a mom to three kids. I had just lost 20 pounds but I was still feeling very ugly and undesirable UNTIL..........this old friend of mine made a pass at me. At first, I was disgusted and freaked out but as the days went on, I began to fantasize about him and I somehow made him into my "perfect man". This is not at all what he was. He had just gotten out of prison for embezzling and was still on probation. He was still an alcoholic and a gambler but he was charming and fed my ego. Despite his satanic ways, I fell into a three year affair with him.
My husband found out and it has been a difficult recovery thus far. My "inner child" is wounded because I betrayed her. I became someone I didn't ever want to be. So, I'm trying to recover from this affair, better my marriage, make it up to my husband, and find my spirituality again. This is the blog of my journey.
Please don't post any messages berating me. I am looking for people who have advice on recovery. Thank you! Here is a good post. http://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-couples-fail-after-affair-pt-4-denying-reality-after-affair#comment-10347

Jeremiah 17:14

Jeremiah Prays for Deliverance

 Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed;
save me, and I shall be saved,
for you are my praise.

Cross references:

1. Jeremiah 17:14 : Psalm 6:2
2. Jeremiah 17:14 : Deut 10:21