Day 11: Deserving

From the free online dictionary:
de·serv·ing   (d-zûrvng)

adj.

Worthy, as of reward, praise, or aid.

n.

Merit; worthiness.

I am struggling with if I deserve all that I have. I offended yet another friend of mine due to my affair. Do I deserve to remain his friend?

Do I deserve a second chance from my husband?

Do I deserve the beautiful home I have?

Do I deserve the respect of my children?

Do I deserve my job?

I had earned all I had and crashed it down like a stack of dominoes in one fell swoop. In one moment of time when I let my boundaries go, I put everything at risk.

When my kids misbehave, they have to earn back their rights. I should be treated the same way. I have to earn back my friendships, my husband's love and respect, my home, my children and my job.

Do I also have to earn back God's forgiveness? How do I do that? Confession? Making good on everything above?

I am selfish. Everyday I have to fight it. I have to treat my "need to escape" as an addiction. Yes, there are root causes as to why I am the way I am but even figuring that out doesn't take away the temptation.

What is life? Why am I here? Why do I have such a strong need to escape such a beautiful life? I admitted to my husband that I was comfortable in the affair. He then likened it to a drug addict. He said drug addicts are comfortable sitting in their own shit when they're "high". That was me........sitting in my own crap (no one else's). Why would anyone long to go back to that? Is the high that good? It was all just an escape for me.

I am trying to face the pain head on. No more ignoring it. I am facing reality. How do you face reality?

Romans 1:1-32

Paul, a servant^[a] of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, ²which he promised beforehand through his prophets in the holy Scriptures, ³concerning his Son, who was descended from David^[b] according to the flesh ⁴and was declared to be the Son of God in power according to the Spirit of holiness by his resurrection from the dead, Jesus Christ our Lord, ⁵through whom we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations, ⁶including you who are called to belong to Jesus Christ.

Translation: Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.