My husband disclosed to me, 11 months after the fact, that he never received a phone call. He discovered my affair from a "made up" Facebook name. I had been caught by someone and I'll never know who it was. But it doesn't matter who it was. Someone trying to help me and my family.........
After learning of this, my thoughts went haywire. I replayed events in my mind over and over. This is what we call "Intrusive Thoughts". Here as defined by Wikipedia:
Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome involuntary thoughts, images, or unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions, are upsetting or distressing, and can be difficult to manage or eliminate. Most people experience these thoughts. When they are associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), depression, and sometimes attention-deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD), the thoughts may become paralyzing, anxiety-provoking, or persistent. Intrusive thoughts may also be associated with episodic memory, unwanted worries or memories from OCD, posttraumatic stress disorder, other anxiety disorders, eating disorders, or psychosis. According to Lee Baer (a specialist at the OCD clinic of Massachusetts General Hospital), intrusive thoughts, urges, and images are of inappropriate things at inappropriate times, usually falling into three categories: "inappropriate aggressive thoughts, inappropriate sexual thoughts, or blasphemous religious thoughts".
I felt paralyzed. I felt as if I had been thrown back to Day 1 of recovery. Not only were my thoughts all over the place, but also my emotions were swirling. The intrusive thoughts of doubt were now present in my mind and my heart.
I asked God to help me........he answered.
My daughter and I sat in mass last Sunday listening to the homily of a visiting Priest. Let's call him Father Messenger. As I listened to Fr. Messenger, I began to feel as if HE was the one I was supposed to confess my adultry to. He was speaking of intrusive thoughts playing over and over in our heads. He was speaking of moral people committing immoral acts. He mentioned he was 77 years old (my dad's age).
I began to think that God was telling me something. After 8.5 months of crawling in the desert, here was God holding out a Chalice of water in his hands.
"Was I starting to believe again?" I mean REALLY believe like I used to? Yes, I think I was.
Fr. Messenger then said he would give individual counsel for anyone who needed it. There it was........healing was open for the taking. I reached out to take a sip from the Chalice.
I met with Fr. Messenger yesterday for a half hour. I got more out of that half hour with him than I had in years of therapy. Why? Because he was a priest who was holding me to a higher standard instead of a "non-judgemental" therapist who was helping me to "find myself" and encouraging me to follow my feelings.
Yes, we are given free will but we must learn how to use it wisely and for the benefit of all...not just ourselves.
I was able to confess my mortal sin to Fr. Messenger and admit to him that I hadn't been to confession in 25 years. This was the one and only time I felt as if I was NOT being judged. He absolved me of my sins and gave me "thought stopping" techniques to use to keep me in reality.
How is it a priest was able to listen to me talk about such a horrible sin and not pound me down for it? Because he's the messenger of God. He, by no means, was condoning my sin but he helped me realize that yesterday was the first day of a new beginning for me and my family and my life.
So, this is why this is my last entry for now. I feel calm now. I feel as though God is back in my life. I feel strong. I feel as though my journey has ended and a new one is beginning. A new one that I don't want to include in this blog.
The image I have now is of me walking away from the fog and mess and out of the desert hand in hand with my husband and my children. And as I look back, because admit it we always look back, I see nothing on the other end of the fog. And I know that whatever is there is left to God to deal with.
May you be as fortunate as I have been in recovering from your sins. May you be strong and keep on the right path.
May God Bless You!
22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature[a] a slave to the law of sin.