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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Day 130: High Wire Act

Marriage is a high wire act. We walk a fine line as to what to say to and do with our spouses. Tip too much to one side and you end up hurting your spouse (and yourself).
So, what do we do when we feel unbalanced and unsure of what to say or do for fear of hurting those around us?
Sometimes we feel like jumping off. That's the easy way out because you end up dead at the bottom unless the safety net catches you.
When do you know when there's a safety net below you? What do you do if your safety net is your spouse? Should the trust and comfort be so high that we can walk the wire with our spouse as the safety net?
Is it a betrayal to have a friend as your safety net?
I walked the wire and chose a net other than my husband which now leads me to walk the line without a safety net.  Yes, sometimes I feel like jumping just to see what happens. Otherwise, I walk very slowly and carefully. Sometimes I'm very sloppy in the way I walk the line because maybe I'm tired or weak. Other days I feel so strong and confident and walk across without a wobble........but eventually I get tired.
How do we keep up the strength to always walk the line responsibily and carefully? It's not easy. There's always a chance you'll fall and might not have a safety net below you. Then you die or are greatly injured.
How do we come up with the courage to walk the wire again when we've already fallen and hurt ourselves and others? Isn't it safer to stay at the stay "grounded"?
Or is it better to walk the wire and take your chances?
I don't have answers to any of these questions. I just know that everytime I feel like I am stable on that wire that there is SOMETHING that makes me wobble and afraid to fall.
Maybe we are supposed to walk the wire WITH our spouses. But then who is the safety net?
Are we supposed to meet our spouses in the middle of the wire? Or do we keep going and meet them on their end?
Are we supposed to be their safety net? Or should someone else? Or just leave it up to God?
The most important lesson is to at least TRY to walk the wire. Don't stand at the bottom and watch everyone else do it. And should you fall.......get back up and try again.

Revelation 2:4-5
But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Day 125: The Broken Toaster Oven

My toaster oven at work was knocked over and broken. I came in Monday morning to find the handle cracked off and the rack disengaged. 

My first thought was, "Who did this?"

My second thought was, "Crap, now I have to buy a new one and I just disposed of the 'old' one at our house."

I used it broken several times. It worked, but not very well. 

I slowly began to repair it. I hot glued the handle back on. See, at first I thought it could only be screwed on. Then I realized I could just hot glue it. Finally I could use it without a plastic knife to wedge it open and worrying about getting burned.

Then the rack completely came out. I stood there cursing in my head. "Great, now I can't use it at all." I began to play with it and realized it wasn't broken on the inside. It just hadn't been put back together correctly. The pieces were not placed in the proper places.

So, I put it back together correctly and now it's as good as new.

Why am I telling you this? Because it made me realize that something I thought was broken really wasn't broken at all. I had jumped to conclusions and had gotten upset without thinking it through.

This is what I did to my marriage. One day it appeared to be permanently broken, so I chose the path of least resistance (in my stupid head). I turned to someone else. I pretended to fix my marriage by creating a relationship with someone else. 

But, see, the pieces were not put back together correctly. I assumed it was not repairable, so I left the handle off and the rack placed incorrectly. I tried to continue to "use" my marriage to my benefits all while attempting to use a new toaster oven. 

Finally, I realized my old toaster oven was temporarily broken but could be put back together. I "cheated" by trying to replace my broken toaster oven with a shiny new one that APPEARED to be "the best toaster oven ever" (the soul mate thing). I know why infidelity is called cheating (again, easy road in my drugged head). 

I intend to put my marriage back together so that it works better than it ever has. I still think about the shiny new toaster that requires no work. Until, that is, THAT toaster oven becomes old and doesn't function properly either. Except the shiny new toaster oven wasn't what it appeared to burned a hell of a lot of people during it's use.

Pray to God to help you repair what is familiar and "old" to you before running to shiny and new. Every relationship eventually becomes tarnished.

 Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Day 117: Valentine's Day

How fortunate I feel today that my husband is still at home with me. Not only that, but also his willingness to meet my needs.

How torn apart we were because we didn't know how to meet each other's needs and avoid love busters. (If you don't know what I'm referring to then visit

Neither one of us ever appreciated Valentine's Day. Today my hubby said, "What's not to love about a holiday designed to celebrate our love for each other?  Onward and upward!  :)"

How thankful I am for my perfect match.

My love.....tonight I vow to give you my full attention. I vow to never hurt you again like I have in the past. I vow to love you in the MB way for the rest of our lives! I vow to love our children unconditionally. I vow to be the best person I can be from this day forward (actually made that vow to myself on September 16th).

I love you!

1 John 4:8

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Day 111: Revenge

Lately, I've been wanting to get revenge on my former AP. I sit here and think how dare he not suffer like my husband and I have!
I told my psychiatrist about this and she asked me what revenge on him would accomplish. Would I really be happy inflicting pain on him? Yea, I might be but that's not my main concern. My main concern is how he would retaliate against me. It would be a never ending circle of disasters. Besides, I don't want him back in my life in any way. An "eye for an eye" doesn't justify revenge.
Why do we want revenge? To teach someone a lesson in how "it" feels. "It" meaning the feeling of pain, suffering, and hurt. Revenge is a mistake for the simple fact that you're putting energy into the devil. You're giving the devil power. You're feeling evil like he does.
Better to take away the devil's power by ignoring him. The devil wants you to get revenge on him because that tells him that you still care about him.
The best revenge is to live happily with Jesus in your life. Let the devil burn in his own  hell.

The one horrible fact that I didn't consider when I had an affair is the negative effect it has on SO MANY people.
I was ok with it because I was in denial that anyone would get hurt. How selfish and thoughtless. How disgusted I am with myself about that.
Just like I was ok with "he who shall not be named"'s embezzlement. It's because I didn't stop to think the effect it had on people he didn't even know. What if someone lost their job because he embezzled all that money? If they had kids and a house to pay for? A flood of consequences that we don't think about when we sin.
Revenge, too, has negative consequences. Turn your focus to the angel and ignore the devil. This will piss him off!!

Romans 12:18-20

18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it[a] to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Friday, February 3, 2012

Day 106: Illusion vs. Reality

Reality TV is NOT reality. In truth, it is an illusion presented to us as reality. The "real" people act as they want you to see them. Editors cut and paste to make the scenarios something they're not. They don't show us the ugly truth.
What is reality? Is it something that must be seen? Felt? Heard?

"I saw you do it!"
"It isn't what it looked like."

"I heard you say that!"
"That's not what I said. You heard me wrong!"

"The cat bit me!"
"No, it was just a "love" bite".

Is not a schizophrenics hallucinations real to them? Of course they are.

"But there really aren't spiders on the ceiling."
"Well, he is SEEING spiders on the ceiling. It's very REAL to him."

So, now I ask myself. What was the REALITY of my affair?

One of the topics Christian Author Dave Carder discusses in Close Calls are the relatively consistent phases of sexual affairs and infidelities.
Carder’s first phase of an affair is Growing Mutual Attraction (for me lasted about 2 months):
This is the phase where I "dumped"  my troubles and insecurities on my AP and vice versa. We were both "lost" and lonely and clung to each other.
ILLUSION: That he could make it all better.
REALITY: Yes, I was feeling awful. The reality is that this led to making my life worse.
Entanglement (8 months): The phase of complimenting one another, justifying the affair, crossing the line, feeling high.
ILLUSION: I NEEDED this to feel good. My husband could never give me what I needed. My marriage had always been awful. I considered leaving my family.
REALITY: A selfish bubble of sin. I should have turned to my husband. My husband is my husband for a reason. He is good and true and everything I ever wanted. I was just too scared to talk to him about how I felt because I made  him into someone who wouldn't listen when, in reality, he would have been more than willing.
My AP was a train wreck. A raging lying alcoholic with a gambling problem.

Destabilization (2 Years): The guilt and shame stage. Knowing what I was doing was wrong. Trying to break it off.
ILLUSION: Tried to break it off numerous times. Telling him I'm not leaving my family.
REALITY: I was addicted to the high. I had no intention of every stopping unless I was caught. I was scared to death of feeling depressed.

Termination and Resolution (11 months and counting): Although it feels that trust and security has been built up between affair partners, maintaining the feelings of trust and safety become difficult. The artificial intimacy built by sexual relationships begins to fade and the passion wanes.

ILLUSION: He is my soulmate and would never hurt me. Someday we'll be together.
REALITY: Neither one of us could trust each other. We were "using" each other. He exposed us because he is a psychopath and wanted to hurt me and my family.
I had everything to lose.

Notice I was an  infidel for 2 years and 10 months and 2 years of that was spent in the Destabilization Stage. That is NOT something good. The cold hard reality is that I was miserable. I was masking my pain with temporary highs. Just like being on drugs...........

Article Source:

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.