Day 35: Disappointment

I've never dealt well with disappointment. I am not sure where this came from. I search back through my childhood and try to figure it out. Is it from too much loss? Is it from having too high of expectations? Nothing ever seems to rise to my level of "happiness". I always want more.

How much of this is just inside my head? I imagine my life inside a crystal ball. I'm watching myself and everything I have. It's everything I ever wanted. It's something so many people wish they had. Then why do I still feel "unfullfilled"? That word is so cliche.

I ask God to fill my heart so I can feel complete. Deep down I know that only I can do that. I just don't know how to go about it. So many people pretend to be complete and fulfilled. It is in the kindness of strangers who express their true feelings anonymously on the computer that I know I am not alone.

I see that I am not alone in how I feel but, in truth, no one ever knows EXACTLY how someone feels. Our pain is unique. We must honor our pain by feeling it instead of ignoring and avoiding it.

Face the pain of your actions and your heart will fill.

Psalm 121

My Help Comes from the LORD

A Song of Ascents.

¹I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
² My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
³He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
⁴Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
⁵The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
⁶ The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
⁷The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
⁸The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

Day 28: Dreams and Nightmares

I am bothered, yet again, by the vivid dreams I have. This is partly due to my hormones and is also a side effect of the anti-depressent I am on. The brain is a wonderous thing. How is it possible to hear, see, feel, and even smell in our dreams? The anxiety that comes with this vividness takes hours for me to overcome. My dreams seem so real.

An affair is like a dream. It appears to be real but it isn't. It is selfishness in a bubble. Two people thinking only of themselves and cutting off the rest of the world. An affair doesn't deal with dirty diapers, not being able to pay your bills, cleaning up the toy room, disciplining your children, or dealing with other family members. Then our subconscious remembers the affair as only something good. It doesn't hold on to the hurt and pain that the affair caused so many people.

So, I look to God for what is real.......what is truth. Sometimes we wonder if dreams are a "sign" from God.
Trust in God to lead you in the right direction. Trust that he treats you as an individual.
 Here is a thought from http://www.rcg.org/:

There are many dreams, visions or premonitions that people experience. Their sources are not as easily determined by the untrained. Therefore, we must think twice before assuming they are from God, even if they show supernatural evidence. In I John 4:1 God instructs us to “try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.” Almost everyone assumes that dreams and visions bear messages from God. This is a very dangerous assumption.

In situations in which visions, dreams or other such experiences result in sickness, fear, anxiety, or similar adverse effects, one should seek God’s intervention and healing. In most situations, however, dreams and visions are derived from one’s own day-to-day activities and problems.

Romans 2:6

 ⁶ He will render to each one according to his works:

Day 26: Restoration

Yesterday I took a restorative yoga class and I felt wonderful afterwards. The first hour was intense yoga that made me sweat out toxins. The second half was meditation to renew my spirit. I had the best sleep in a long time. However, even though I was sleeping soundly, I was still dreaming. Dreaming the same old subconscious garbage. How do we tap into the subconcious? How do we believe in the good of the world when we're exposed to so much pain? How do we deal with our own worst enemy...our thoughts and imaginations? Isn't it the imagination that makes meditation so helpful? Then why, when we're at rest, do our minds continue to ruminate on what causes us pain?

I always thought of restoration as replacing something old or broken with it's original contents or appearance. I now realize that restoring yourself to a state of health and well being doesn't mean trying to be the "good" person you used to be. It means not only rebuilding, but also improving on what you were or what you had. I have been trying to rebuild my marriage but not restore it with something new. By "new" I mean different ways of communicating, interacting, and responding to one another. Habits are so hard to break for me. I find comfort in the familiar. The biggest challenge is being receptive to a new relationship with myself and my husband. I will not fall back into old habits of coping.

This is scary considering our "habits" of dealing with negativity are ingrained in us since childhood. How do you change your habits? How do you go about restoring yourself and your relationships to something new and fresh?

Joel 2:25-26
I will restore to you the years

   that the swarming locust has eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter,
   my great army, which I sent among you.  
²⁶ "You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
   and praise the name of the LORD your God,
   who has dealt wondrously with you.
And my people shall never again be put to shame."

Day 23: Act first.......feel later.

When I was in college, I learned a very difficult technique in a very simple way. I was an acting major and we were being taught The Stanislavski System. In order to show us what the method was about, my professor had us bang a shoe on the floor using our hands. We had to pound it over and over and over again UNTIL some kind of feeling or emotion followed. I wish I could remember what kind of emotion I had during that exercise. So many different reactions could come from it. One might start laughing from repetition, crying from frustration, or yelling from aggravation.
We all react in different ways to different circumstances. However, the lesson I take is this: Perform actions and the feelings will follow. This applies not only in acting but in life. Think about it. How do affairs get started? The affair partners are thinking of one another then they start performing actions to satisfy each others needs. Finally, they feel "in love" or that they're "soulmates". The high of these actions is temporary and unrealistic. It is not reality or permanent. How do people get back into their faith? They go to church, they pray, and they perform religious acts.
So, perform actions for God and your most closely guarded loved ones and you will experience beautiful emotion. Perform actions against God and your loved ones and you will cause and feel nothing but pain. So, think carefully before you act. Thoughts......actions........feelings........

Titus 1:16

They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good.

Day 21: Let it Go Where it May

Letting go and believing in God has always been difficult for me because I can't "see" proof that God exists. So, how am I supposed to keep faith? I like to think of it as a helium balloon. You let it go into the sky knowing it will go where it may. Eventually, when the helium runs out, it will land somewhere "permanent". I am trying to trust in God that when I let my balloon go, he'll direct it in the "good" direction. A lot of it depends on me though. We have the "free will" to decide when, where, and how we will let the balloon go.
I was not smart with my free will. I held on to the balloon and tried not to break it when all the while it was shrinking and slowly leaking helium. Now I must let it go before all the helium runs out and trust that God will lead it where it's supposed to go. Do we really have any control over our fate? We can only "control" so much.
Let the helium of God's love lift you up and carry you when you need it. Trust that he'll set you down in a place free of evil.
How do you continue to believe in God?
Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
   and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
   and he will make straight your paths.

 

Day 18: Open the window and take a deep breath

My cousin and I used to laugh because anytime we'd get upset, her dad would say "take a deep breath" or "just breathe". We would giggle foolishly. Now that we're grown up, we see he was right. This was a man who struggled with addiction himself but he had the right idea.
If we don't take a deep breath, then we hyperventilate and shut down. Every conscious deep breath we take should be treated like you just opened a window after a long winter. The spring air comes rushing in and you take a deep breath and what do you feel?
RELIEF!
I forgot all I had learned during my set back. To start with a big breath and then focus on the tension in my body and then let the thoughts come. But remember they are just that.........thoughts.
That is why it is so hard to keep my faith. We cannot literally "see" God. He is just a thought. But we need to open the window and let the toxic thoughts blow away in the breeze. We need to hold on to and care for the thoughts that are precious to us.......like God. How do you hold on to the good thoughts and let the toxic ones blow away?

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Day 16: Set backs and sailboats

My boat had been docked. It had been held down with an anchor but then the storm came through. I weathered the storm as best as I could rocking around and being tossed by the waves because I didn't anchor it properly. I didn't give my anchor the care and protection it needed and it came loose. The worst part is I tried to deny that I didn't anchor it properly and got blown out to sea.
Now I am fighting to stay afloat and not drown. Part of me wants to just dive in and see if I drown or not. That's the satanic part of me. The other part, the good part, is trying to stay on board and get back to dock. Jumping would be easier, wouldn't it? Throwing all caution to the wind seems easier but I know the end result would be disastrous. If I was lucky enough to survive, I wouldn't have anything to return to. My boat will have sailed without me. I'd be standing on shore alone. I often wonder if that would be so terrible. I've always been somewhat of a loner even though I'm an extrovert. However, I wouldn't just be alone. I'd be stranded with no one to get me off the island. I just can't figure out how to stay afloat and get back to the dock on my own without "being watched". How do you stay afloat?

Isaiah 41:10

fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Cross references:

1. Isaiah 41:10 : Psalm 48:10

Day 15: My Secret Garden

I couldn't blog yesterday. It was a hard day for me. I had anxiety all day long because I was fighting cravings. This morning I found this article and it made me sob. I think I'm sobbing because it has provided me with a sense of relief that there's an explanation for the way I am FEELING. I have not acted on these feelings but I still fight them.
http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/Sexual-Addiction.htm
When I was in college, I played the part of Mary Lennox in The Secret Garden. I was finally the "lead" in a play. It is ironic to me now. I was the lead character who had to get in the garden and beautify it and keep it a secret. It was hers. She only shared it with her cousin.
The secret garden gave her a place to hide and a sense of comfort where she could be alone. Secrets have always made me feel "comfortable". Probably because my mom taught me to live by "what he/she doesn't know won't hurt them". I do not blame her. My mother is a wonderful mother who came from a poor family of alcoholics. That was her survival technique.
I have come to realize this does not work for me. Even though I got a sense of comfort from my affair (my secret garden), I didn't like turning my back on God and "hiding". My affair bubble was my secret garden. It began as something so ugly and dead then came alive and was beautiful. This "beauty", however, was hidden behind lock and key. If something is truly beautiful, do we not want everyone to see it? If affair love is real then why is it hidden in a secret garden that grew from ugliness? If we do not continue to water it, it will die. I will no longer water my secret garden. I need to walk out out of it, lock the door, throw away the key, and never go back. I need to find beauty in God and the real world. What do you do to escape? Is it a "healthy" escape?

Luke 8:17

For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light.

Cross references:

1. Luke 8:17 : Luke 12:2; Matt 10:26; 1 Tim 5:25

Day 13: The Little Red Hen

Yesterday my youngest daughter read me "The Little Red Hen". We all know that story, right? Everyone refuses to help the little red hen until they smell the freshly baked bread. So, the little red hen did everything herself and then reaped the reward.......rightly so. It just got me thinking how I am always searching for instant gratification. The instant "high". Where and when did I learn to devalue quality and focus on quantity?
My mind is so powerful and it's also my worst enemy. They are just "thoughts". They are not fact or truth.
I hate seeing somone hit someone else. It's like my heart is being squeezed and I can't breathe. I saw on the news a story about a judge who rules on domestic abuse cases and, at night when no one is looking, he beats his daughter. They showed a clip of him beating her. I kept thinking, "How can anyone BE like that?" But did I not "beat the hell" out of my husband by having an affair?
I also kept thinking that I hope my kids never have to deal with being hit. But they will, even if it's not physical, it will be emotional. Then how do I protect them?
When do we let go and allow them to be independent like the little red hen? How could I think that commiting suicide would solve anything? Yes, it would take my pain away but it would cause everyone else so very much heartache. How could I protect my children if I wasn't alive? I couldn't. So, once again, I need to stop being so selfish. Life needs to be about my kids now. We all need to step up and help the little red hen OR if we are the little red hen, then learn to survive on our own. We need to learn to love being with ourselves..........like the little red hen did. Then our addictions will fade.
What steps do you take in fighting your addictions?

Philippians 2:4

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Cross references:

1. Philippians 2:4 : Rom 15:2

Day 11: Deserving

From the free online dictionary:
de·serv·ing   (d-zûrvng)

adj.

Worthy, as of reward, praise, or aid.

n.

Merit; worthiness.

I am struggling with if I deserve all that I have. I offended yet another friend of mine due to my affair. Do I deserve to remain his friend?

Do I deserve a second chance from my husband?

Do I deserve the beautiful home I have?

Do I deserve the respect of my children?

Do I deserve my job?

I had earned all I had and crashed it down like a stack of dominoes in one fell swoop. In one moment of time when I let my boundaries go, I put everything at risk.

When my kids misbehave, they have to earn back their rights. I should be treated the same way. I have to earn back my friendships, my husband's love and respect, my home, my children and my job.

Do I also have to earn back God's forgiveness? How do I do that? Confession? Making good on everything above?

I am selfish. Everyday I have to fight it. I have to treat my "need to escape" as an addiction. Yes, there are root causes as to why I am the way I am but even figuring that out doesn't take away the temptation.

What is life? Why am I here? Why do I have such a strong need to escape such a beautiful life? I admitted to my husband that I was comfortable in the affair. He then likened it to a drug addict. He said drug addicts are comfortable sitting in their own shit when they're "high". That was me........sitting in my own crap (no one else's). Why would anyone long to go back to that? Is the high that good? It was all just an escape for me.

I am trying to face the pain head on. No more ignoring it. I am facing reality. How do you face reality?

Romans 1:1-32

Paul, a servant^[a] of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, ²which he promised beforehand through his prophets in the holy Scriptures, ³concerning his Son, who was descended from David^[b] according to the flesh ⁴and was declared to be the Son of God in power according to the Spirit of holiness by his resurrection from the dead, Jesus Christ our Lord, ⁵through whom we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations, ⁶including you who are called to belong to Jesus Christ.

Translation: Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.

Day 10: With disaster came blessings

So many days have passed because we were hit with a freak snowstorm. Most of us were without electricity from Saturday to Wednesday. Most of us abandoned our homes and sought shelter elsewhere.
The leaved trees that fell in my front and back yards reminded me of what a mess I had made of my life. Such beautiful trees looked so spooky and scary with their cracked and fallen branches.....some branches hanging on for life but still very cracked. A giant tree in our front yard that is the same age as me is now probably destroyed and will have to be cut down.
This is how I feel about what I've done to my beautiful life. I broke it and now I have to cut it down to start over. But from a disaster comes a new beginning: a new tree for my yard and a new marriage for me.
From this disaster came time alone with  my husband in which we reconnected emotionally and physically. We stayed in a hotel that was in our old hometown.......we went back to our roots just as the tree will have to do.
I have accepted the fact that the temptations I feel will never go away. The mistake I have been making is that I was trying to make the temptations disappear. Now I realize I can only manage them to the best of my ability with God's help. I cannot make them disappear. I really mean it now when I say in the Our Father "and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil". Perhaps this is what AA means when they say they are helpless against the addiction. We are not helpless in controlling it but we are helpless in its existence.
I was also given precious time with my children that I normally wouldn't have had. These beautiful innocent children who enjoy the moments they are in. This is what I need to practice. My thoughts are my worst enemy. In Pemra Chodrans book "When Things Fall Apart" she labels these thoughts as "thinking". So when I start to spiral down the hill of depression and self pity........I remind myself it's just "thinking". I tried meditating but was only able to stay still for about a minute. Apparently this is normal when first beginning to meditate. I will try yet again!
Do you consider praying to be meditation? How do you go about combining the two?
Isaiah 45:7

I form light and create darkness,
I make well-being and create calamity,
I am the LORD, who does all these things.

Cross references:

1. Isaiah 45:7 : Isaiah 41:23; Amos 3:6