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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Day 1: My healing journey finally begins

I don't know where to start. I am not an overly religious person. I grew up Catholic. I was married in the Catholic church, I am still Catholic, and my children go to Catholic school. However, somewhere along the way, I lost my faith. I used to go to church every Sunday even when I was single. It was a place for me to repent and relax. I was proud of being Catholic until I encountered infertility. The Catholic church does not support Invitro-fertilization but that's what I needed to have my children. I think this is when I began to doubt that there was a God. I kept thinking that God would not consider having children (no matter how you have them) a sin. I slowly began to move away from my faith and this led me into hell.
It began when I became pregnant on my own when my twins were only a year old. This was not a blessing to me at the was a burden. I actually discussed aborting this child.
I did not do that but I wasn't happy about having another child. Then I had my tubes tied and our extra embryos destroyed and I just fell deeper and deeper into the fire pit of hell.
During the summer of 2008, I reconnected with an old friend. We had only dated a few times in 1996. I had no attraction to him then. I saw what a mess he was at the time.......alcoholic, cocaine addict, braggert, materialistic. He did not fill my values so I moved away from him. Then I met my husband. My sweet, good, handsome, smart, everything I always wanted husband. We married in 1999.
Back to the summer of husband and I were disconnected. I was emotionally a wreck. I was depressed. I felt as if I had no identity except for being a mom to three kids. I had just lost 20 pounds but I was still feeling very ugly and undesirable UNTIL..........this old friend of mine made a pass at me. At first, I was disgusted and freaked out but as the days went on, I began to fantasize about him and I somehow made him into my "perfect man". This is not at all what he was. He had just gotten out of prison for embezzling and was still on probation. He was still an alcoholic and a gambler but he was charming and fed my ego. Despite his satanic ways, I fell into a three year affair with him.
My husband found out and it has been a difficult recovery thus far. My "inner child" is wounded because I betrayed her. I became someone I didn't ever want to be. So, I'm trying to recover from this affair, better my marriage, make it up to my husband, and find my spirituality again. This is the blog of my journey.
Please don't post any messages berating me. I am looking for people who have advice on recovery. Thank you! Here is a good post.

Jeremiah 17:14

Jeremiah Prays for Deliverance

 Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed;
save me, and I shall be saved,
for you are my praise.


  1. I found your blog through Sarah Markley's. I can relate to a lot of your story (not all of it). I don't write about it publicly. Just dropping a note to say that I am thinking warmly for you and wish you well on your recovery. I have faith (and experience) to say you'll be alright :)

  2. Thank you! I pray you are right.

  3. Are you in counseling? It really does help a lot.
    Especially if it's a Chritian counselor who will use the Bible as the guide.

  4. Yes, I've been in counseling for many many years.

  5. I appreciate you sharing your story. It shows that everyone who repents will be healed. I look forward to getting to know you better...

  6. Ive been where you were....I understand