Day 59: The Holidays Post-Affair

I have many fond memories of the holidays........wonderful traditions that my parents made sure we experienced. On the flip side, I have some "dark" memories of holidays as well. I could always count on it being the time of year when my mom would be angry with my dad because she did so much work for HIS family. I had to hear them argue and pray that my dad would vaccuum or do something to relieve my  mom's anger. Some years it was good and others it was bad........one year they fought so badly that our Christmas Eve celebration was cancelled .
My cousin decided to host and it was the most miserable Christmas Eve of my life because we weren't at our house with our normal traditions and my mom stayed home. I need to make sure this year that I am completely present with my family. I  need to take my own advice and remember that the holidays aren't about gifts.
The holidays are for the children. To have them experience the joy of the traditions and seeing family members they don't normally see.
Adults don't seem to be able to enjoy the holidays. It's so much "work" and stress and MONEY. This year, I vow to remember that I was once a child who enjoyed the holidays. I vow to make traditions with my children. I vow to savor each moment with them because soon they will be grown. I vow to relax so that my children don't have any "bad" memories of the holidays. I vow to hug and kiss them and snuggle with them as much as possible. I vow to give myself to my husband 100% since we will actually have time together. I vow to take care of myself and not worry about how the house looks or if the food is perfect.
I vow right now to be re-born this first Christmas and New Year's post-affair. I am no longer living two lives. I no longer need to feel guilty for enjoying the beautiful life that I have been given. Because, in reality, I haven't been given this life.........I have EARNED this life. I have worked hard to be a good person who deserves to be married to a good person such as my husband. I've worked hard and tirelessly to be the best teacher and I can be. I deserve this good job. I've worked hard to be a good mom and make a nice home for my kids. I deserve the house I have. I deserve the children I have.
It's all in what you put into it that you will get out of it. So, I vow to all of you right now that I will put all of myself into my family this holiday season.
I am thankful to God that my husband and children are with me this Christmas. Back in April, I wasn't sure what was going to happen.
I am lucky but I've also earned it. Work hard and you will earn your riches. Life is not a lottery.
2 Thessalonians 3:10

¹⁰ For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.

 

Day 51: Loneliness

How can one feel lonely when surrounded by so many people? I have a good job with a lot of friendly co-workers, I am married to a wonderful man, I have three beautiful healthy kids, my extended family is tight knit. I have friends I can call upon. So, then, why do I sometimes feel so lonely inside? It's not the quantity of time I spend with someone that matters. It's the quality of time.

I haven't seen my cousin in years but when I talk to her on the phone.......she makes me smile and laugh harder than anyone I know. Do we then need to stop and make the best quality time?

Are we lonely because we are too busy? I can't enjoy a phone conversation with my mom because I'm Christmas shopping online at the same time. So much to do........so much clutter in my mind.

How do we stop and slow down when there's so much to be done but we're lonely when doing it? Loneliness is subjective. It's inside our hearts but it's external factors that bring it upon us.

Stop and enjoy the quality of what you're doing. I guess I can liken this to my other post on staying in the moment. This holiday if you are lucky enough to see relatives or friends that you have not seen in a long time or only see once a year.......treasure it. Savor the quality of that one hour coffee with an old friend. Savor the quality of a few hours with the Aunt you haven't seen since last Christmas.

The biggest slight we can give to the devil is enjoying our time away from the activities that he makes us THINK we need to have to enjoy ourselves. This year my Christmas won't be tainted by worrying if my affair partner is going to drink himself to death because he's alone. I wish him the best and hope that he has someone to share his holiday with because loneliness hurts. Should you find yourself alone with out a choice, turn to God and not the devil. Listen to what he's telling you to do with your time. Tell the devil to shut up and that this year.....you're not listenigto him. Aim higher up to Heaven (see the picture below) Don't allow yourself to fall in to the pit of hell because you are stressed and feeling lonely.

Isaiah 41:10

¹⁰fear not, for I am with you;
   be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

  .

Day 47: The main lesson I've learned from my students

I teach 6, 7, and 8th graders. Some are so innocent and childlike, others are mature beyond their years due to family conflict or illness or learning disabilities. However, I've noticed that they all have one trait in common. They are all capable of living in the moment. I never see any of them "ruminating" over a train they broke when they were 8 or worrying about where they will be when they're 20 (even though we encourage this). They are laughing and crying and yelling at the very moment it happens. They are incredible at using all of their senses.

What happens along the way that we, as adults, forget to live in the moment? Is it because we have too much responsibility? Stress? That we tend to hope for an easier future or pine for an easier past?

Today, pretend you are 12 and savor each moment for what it is. The point of thinking of the past is to learn from it....the point of thinking of the future....well, you don't need to to do that because God takes care of that. He knows where you are going to end up. It's all about the moments that get you there.

So, stop, look, and listen and smell. What's happening RIGHT NOW? I am blessed at this moment to listen to my students sing Christmas Carols. Off key or not, it is still making me smile.

Ecclesiastes 9:7:
"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do."

Day 44: The Fear of Aging

 I am lucky. Even though I am 41, most people who don't know me mistake me for 25. So, on the outside I still appear young and not so wrinkled and "damaged". On the inside, however, I feel like I am much older.

How do we grow old gracefully? I am petrified of being "old" and not reaching all my goals. Then I stop and think, "Does it really matter?" When we're dead and gone, people will forget us very quickly and easily. I think I will really start to feel old when one of my parents passes on. This is something I've dreaded since I was a kid and it's coming upon me.

I don't ever see myself as 75 years old like my dad. Life ages you like nothing else (well, besides the sun)! I didn't have one grey hair until I had my twins. So, then I ask: How can something so wonderful and good such as life (and the sun!) make us age so quickly? We avoid the sun so we don't get cancer or wrinkles. Are we doing the same thing in life? Are we avoiding certain life events so that we don't get "burned"?

In reality, how much can we avoid? What happens when you do get burned and then you get sick and feel like dying? We put "salve" on our wounds. Sometimes someone else helps us put the salve on. But no matter how much we try to avoid the pain and aging......it will still happen faster than we anticipate. So, we need to learn to enjoy lifes precious gifts and the warmth of the sun. Stay in the moment and don't worry about the aftermath of the enjoyment for God will see us through the burns and the pain.

Proverbs 16:31

Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.

 

Day 42: The Company We Keep

I always worry about the company my children keep so that they aren't influenced by the negative actions of other kids. But how much control do we really have over that? Can't we just teach them to make good moral decisions and then hope for the best?

Shouldn't we, too, keep good company in order to be good examples for our children? Should we surround ourselves with others who "agree" with us? Or does that go against everything we've been taught about not judging others?

Well, what I've found is that there is unfairly judging and then there is judging in order to protect yourself and your family. Is there not a fine line between  morality and judgement? There should be some level of judgement in order to stay out of harms way.

My "free for all" non-judgement did nothing but hurt me. I allowed someone else to meet my needs instead of talking to my husband. I surrounded myself with "non-judgemental" people who condoned (and even covered for) my actions. Now I wish someone would have threatened to tell my husband what I was doing if I didn't confess. So, I may have been angry and lost these people as friends but I lost them as friends any way.

So, now I try to surround myself with "like minded" people. People who fight to save their marriages. People who want their families to stay together. So, maybe we aren't so perfectly happy. Maybe all of our needs aren't being met the way we want them, too. No one can ever meet all of our needs. We have to meet some of them on our own.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, actions must come before feelings. If you let your feelings drive your actions then you'll end up hurting a lot of other people for selfish reasons.

So, If I know people who are having affairs or want to be divorced. I do not judge them. I am not in their situation. However, that doesn't mean that I have to surround myself with them. It's like a recovering alcoholic abstaining from drinking but continuing to hang around other drinkers. This isn't possible.

So, I conciously choose, from this moment on, to surround myself with people who do not judge me for not following my feelings but, instead, support me for making sure my feelings follow my actions.

“How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” (Matt 7:4-5)

Day 40: Priorities

Almost 4 months of "sobriety" (no contact direct or indirect with the other man). 40th day of trying to regain my faith.

One of the major lessons I've learned from this is: had my priorities been in the correct and/or Godly order, I would not have given into the devil. I am not saying, "The devil made me do it".  By no means is there any excuse for my adultery.

If my children and my husband had been my priority, I never would have given into my selfish temptations. Had I kept my family in the forefront of my mind, thoughts of the OM would not have even happened. Was my choice of infidelity a choice? Yes, of course it was.

I mentioned in my last post that God works through other people. Well, so does the devil. He presented himself as someone of value and morals but, in reality, is a true psychopath. Now that my priorities are in a Godly order, I realize the destruction that I could have caused. I could not see this destruction through my affair fog. I saw what I wanted to see. I did not see what was the truth and the reality.

I thank God and my husband for saving me from the devil. My life could have been totally wrecked but (as cliche as it is), I have seen the light.

I now have to look at my sin as something that will transform me, my marriage, and my family in a positive way. I cannot un-do what I did, but I can keep my priorities in order and try very hard to make it better.

So, beware of the devil in an angels costume!

Matthew 7:15-16 - Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits…”

Day 37: The gift of faith through my children

Last night I made a committment to myself to focus totally on my children. My 8 year old son helped me make dinner. Not only was it fun for both of us, but it took a lot of stress off me. I thought, "Why don't I do this more often?"

Then I watched "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause" with all three of them. I couldn't get over how focused my 8 year old daughter was on the 8 year old Virginia. She cried when Virginia cried. She believed when Virginia believed. Then it hit me.......something so obvious that I used to have but have lost. Faith isn't about proof. Faith is about believing in whatever you need to believe in --in order to survive and enjoy your life. Does it really matter if it's real? What is REAL, anyway? Don't we create our own realities?

I admire my children for so strongly believing in Virginia's story. I need to take that kind of faith and put it into God.

What proof do I actually have that God exists? The proof is that my husband is willing to forgive me and make our marriage work. The proof is that my husband saved me from ruining so many lives. The proof is that my family is still intact with minimal damage.

The proof is that I have a roof over my head. I have food in my refrigerator. I have healthy and happy children. I have a husband that lives the way God wants us, too. I have family and friends who support me in hard times. I have doctors who are helping my chemical imbalances.

What more proof do I need that God exists? None. He works through others.

Exodus 23:1

 ¹ "You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with a wicked man to be a malicious witness.

Day 36: Loss

When do we start becoming "jaded"? Is it the first time we lose some kind of stability? The only memory I have of being three years old is losing my plastic fishy in the ocean. Try as my dad might, he could  not "save" it. My first real  loss.

Then came the loss of my dad (in a way). He got promoted and his personality changed. He no longer had as much time for us. Only now do I realize he was human and had his own emotional problems.

Then came the first boyfriend who broke my heart when he left for college and abandoned me.....still in high school.

Then came the loss of my virginity to someone I didn't want to lose it to. I was trying to "replace" my high school boyfriend. I then abstained for a very long time after that.

Then came:

• a friend's suicide (same year.....high school junior)
• my  mom becoming so frustrated with my dad that she almost killed herself in front of me (again, same year.....crappy year)
• my first bout of depression due to leaving home to go to college
• returning home and switching colleges and having panic attacks
• a college boyfriend leaving me for a girl pregnant with another man's baby
• sleeping around and smoking pot and drinking to excess
• constant rejection as an actress
• another break up due to me wanting kids and he didn't
• taking a "stable" job and, basically, giving up on my dream
• infertility
• miscarriage
• unexpected pregnancy
• post partum depression
• conflict at work
• and then........the worst decision I ever made.......

So, I grieve my life as I knew it like a theater in ruins. Then I rebuild. Maybe not a bigger or prettier theater but one with a solid foundation. One that will keep me and my family safe.

Proverbs 15:13-14(Amp): 13 A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is broken.