Day 59: The Holidays Post-Affair

I have many fond memories of the holidays........wonderful traditions that my parents made sure we experienced. On the flip side, I have some "dark" memories of holidays as well. I could always count on it being the time of year when my mom would be angry with my dad because she did so much work for HIS family. I had to hear them argue and pray that my dad would vaccuum or do something to relieve my  mom's anger. Some years it was good and others it was bad........one year they fought so badly that our Christmas Eve celebration was cancelled .
My cousin decided to host and it was the most miserable Christmas Eve of my life because we weren't at our house with our normal traditions and my mom stayed home. I need to make sure this year that I am completely present with my family. I  need to take my own advice and remember that the holidays aren't about gifts.
The holidays are for the children. To have them experience the joy of the traditions and seeing family members they don't normally see.
Adults don't seem to be able to enjoy the holidays. It's so much "work" and stress and MONEY. This year, I vow to remember that I was once a child who enjoyed the holidays. I vow to make traditions with my children. I vow to savor each moment with them because soon they will be grown. I vow to relax so that my children don't have any "bad" memories of the holidays. I vow to hug and kiss them and snuggle with them as much as possible. I vow to give myself to my husband 100% since we will actually have time together. I vow to take care of myself and not worry about how the house looks or if the food is perfect.
I vow right now to be re-born this first Christmas and New Year's post-affair. I am no longer living two lives. I no longer need to feel guilty for enjoying the beautiful life that I have been given. Because, in reality, I haven't been given this life.........I have EARNED this life. I have worked hard to be a good person who deserves to be married to a good person such as my husband. I've worked hard and tirelessly to be the best teacher and I can be. I deserve this good job. I've worked hard to be a good mom and make a nice home for my kids. I deserve the house I have. I deserve the children I have.
It's all in what you put into it that you will get out of it. So, I vow to all of you right now that I will put all of myself into my family this holiday season.
I am thankful to God that my husband and children are with me this Christmas. Back in April, I wasn't sure what was going to happen.
I am lucky but I've also earned it. Work hard and you will earn your riches. Life is not a lottery.
2 Thessalonians 3:10

¹⁰ For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.

 

Day 51: Loneliness

How can one feel lonely when surrounded by so many people? I have a good job with a lot of friendly co-workers, I am married to a wonderful man, I have three beautiful healthy kids, my extended family is tight knit. I have friends I can call upon. So, then, why do I sometimes feel so lonely inside? It's not the quantity of time I spend with someone that matters. It's the quality of time.

I haven't seen my cousin in years but when I talk to her on the phone.......she makes me smile and laugh harder than anyone I know. Do we then need to stop and make the best quality time?

Are we lonely because we are too busy? I can't enjoy a phone conversation with my mom because I'm Christmas shopping online at the same time. So much to do........so much clutter in my mind.

How do we stop and slow down when there's so much to be done but we're lonely when doing it? Loneliness is subjective. It's inside our hearts but it's external factors that bring it upon us.

Stop and enjoy the quality of what you're doing. I guess I can liken this to my other post on staying in the moment. This holiday if you are lucky enough to see relatives or friends that you have not seen in a long time or only see once a year.......treasure it. Savor the quality of that one hour coffee with an old friend. Savor the quality of a few hours with the Aunt you haven't seen since last Christmas.

The biggest slight we can give to the devil is enjoying our time away from the activities that he makes us THINK we need to have to enjoy ourselves. This year my Christmas won't be tainted by worrying if my affair partner is going to drink himself to death because he's alone. I wish him the best and hope that he has someone to share his holiday with because loneliness hurts. Should you find yourself alone with out a choice, turn to God and not the devil. Listen to what he's telling you to do with your time. Tell the devil to shut up and that this year.....you're not listenigto him. Aim higher up to Heaven (see the picture below) Don't allow yourself to fall in to the pit of hell because you are stressed and feeling lonely.

Isaiah 41:10

¹⁰fear not, for I am with you;
   be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

  .

Day 47: The main lesson I've learned from my students

I teach 6, 7, and 8th graders. Some are so innocent and childlike, others are mature beyond their years due to family conflict or illness or learning disabilities. However, I've noticed that they all have one trait in common. They are all capable of living in the moment. I never see any of them "ruminating" over a train they broke when they were 8 or worrying about where they will be when they're 20 (even though we encourage this). They are laughing and crying and yelling at the very moment it happens. They are incredible at using all of their senses.

What happens along the way that we, as adults, forget to live in the moment? Is it because we have too much responsibility? Stress? That we tend to hope for an easier future or pine for an easier past?

Today, pretend you are 12 and savor each moment for what it is. The point of thinking of the past is to learn from it....the point of thinking of the future....well, you don't need to to do that because God takes care of that. He knows where you are going to end up. It's all about the moments that get you there.

So, stop, look, and listen and smell. What's happening RIGHT NOW? I am blessed at this moment to listen to my students sing Christmas Carols. Off key or not, it is still making me smile.

Ecclesiastes 9:7:
"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do."

Day 44: The Fear of Aging

 I am lucky. Even though I am 41, most people who don't know me mistake me for 25. So, on the outside I still appear young and not so wrinkled and "damaged". On the inside, however, I feel like I am much older.

How do we grow old gracefully? I am petrified of being "old" and not reaching all my goals. Then I stop and think, "Does it really matter?" When we're dead and gone, people will forget us very quickly and easily. I think I will really start to feel old when one of my parents passes on. This is something I've dreaded since I was a kid and it's coming upon me.

I don't ever see myself as 75 years old like my dad. Life ages you like nothing else (well, besides the sun)! I didn't have one grey hair until I had my twins. So, then I ask: How can something so wonderful and good such as life (and the sun!) make us age so quickly? We avoid the sun so we don't get cancer or wrinkles. Are we doing the same thing in life? Are we avoiding certain life events so that we don't get "burned"?

In reality, how much can we avoid? What happens when you do get burned and then you get sick and feel like dying? We put "salve" on our wounds. Sometimes someone else helps us put the salve on. But no matter how much we try to avoid the pain and aging......it will still happen faster than we anticipate. So, we need to learn to enjoy lifes precious gifts and the warmth of the sun. Stay in the moment and don't worry about the aftermath of the enjoyment for God will see us through the burns and the pain.

Proverbs 16:31

Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.

 

Day 42: The Company We Keep

I always worry about the company my children keep so that they aren't influenced by the negative actions of other kids. But how much control do we really have over that? Can't we just teach them to make good moral decisions and then hope for the best?

Shouldn't we, too, keep good company in order to be good examples for our children? Should we surround ourselves with others who "agree" with us? Or does that go against everything we've been taught about not judging others?

Well, what I've found is that there is unfairly judging and then there is judging in order to protect yourself and your family. Is there not a fine line between  morality and judgement? There should be some level of judgement in order to stay out of harms way.

My "free for all" non-judgement did nothing but hurt me. I allowed someone else to meet my needs instead of talking to my husband. I surrounded myself with "non-judgemental" people who condoned (and even covered for) my actions. Now I wish someone would have threatened to tell my husband what I was doing if I didn't confess. So, I may have been angry and lost these people as friends but I lost them as friends any way.

So, now I try to surround myself with "like minded" people. People who fight to save their marriages. People who want their families to stay together. So, maybe we aren't so perfectly happy. Maybe all of our needs aren't being met the way we want them, too. No one can ever meet all of our needs. We have to meet some of them on our own.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, actions must come before feelings. If you let your feelings drive your actions then you'll end up hurting a lot of other people for selfish reasons.

So, If I know people who are having affairs or want to be divorced. I do not judge them. I am not in their situation. However, that doesn't mean that I have to surround myself with them. It's like a recovering alcoholic abstaining from drinking but continuing to hang around other drinkers. This isn't possible.

So, I conciously choose, from this moment on, to surround myself with people who do not judge me for not following my feelings but, instead, support me for making sure my feelings follow my actions.

“How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” (Matt 7:4-5)

Day 40: Priorities

Almost 4 months of "sobriety" (no contact direct or indirect with the other man). 40th day of trying to regain my faith.

One of the major lessons I've learned from this is: had my priorities been in the correct and/or Godly order, I would not have given into the devil. I am not saying, "The devil made me do it".  By no means is there any excuse for my adultery.

If my children and my husband had been my priority, I never would have given into my selfish temptations. Had I kept my family in the forefront of my mind, thoughts of the OM would not have even happened. Was my choice of infidelity a choice? Yes, of course it was.

I mentioned in my last post that God works through other people. Well, so does the devil. He presented himself as someone of value and morals but, in reality, is a true psychopath. Now that my priorities are in a Godly order, I realize the destruction that I could have caused. I could not see this destruction through my affair fog. I saw what I wanted to see. I did not see what was the truth and the reality.

I thank God and my husband for saving me from the devil. My life could have been totally wrecked but (as cliche as it is), I have seen the light.

I now have to look at my sin as something that will transform me, my marriage, and my family in a positive way. I cannot un-do what I did, but I can keep my priorities in order and try very hard to make it better.

So, beware of the devil in an angels costume!

Matthew 7:15-16 - Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits…”

Day 37: The gift of faith through my children

Last night I made a committment to myself to focus totally on my children. My 8 year old son helped me make dinner. Not only was it fun for both of us, but it took a lot of stress off me. I thought, "Why don't I do this more often?"

Then I watched "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause" with all three of them. I couldn't get over how focused my 8 year old daughter was on the 8 year old Virginia. She cried when Virginia cried. She believed when Virginia believed. Then it hit me.......something so obvious that I used to have but have lost. Faith isn't about proof. Faith is about believing in whatever you need to believe in --in order to survive and enjoy your life. Does it really matter if it's real? What is REAL, anyway? Don't we create our own realities?

I admire my children for so strongly believing in Virginia's story. I need to take that kind of faith and put it into God.

What proof do I actually have that God exists? The proof is that my husband is willing to forgive me and make our marriage work. The proof is that my husband saved me from ruining so many lives. The proof is that my family is still intact with minimal damage.

The proof is that I have a roof over my head. I have food in my refrigerator. I have healthy and happy children. I have a husband that lives the way God wants us, too. I have family and friends who support me in hard times. I have doctors who are helping my chemical imbalances.

What more proof do I need that God exists? None. He works through others.

Exodus 23:1

 ¹ "You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with a wicked man to be a malicious witness.

Day 36: Loss

When do we start becoming "jaded"? Is it the first time we lose some kind of stability? The only memory I have of being three years old is losing my plastic fishy in the ocean. Try as my dad might, he could  not "save" it. My first real  loss.

Then came the loss of my dad (in a way). He got promoted and his personality changed. He no longer had as much time for us. Only now do I realize he was human and had his own emotional problems.

Then came the first boyfriend who broke my heart when he left for college and abandoned me.....still in high school.

Then came the loss of my virginity to someone I didn't want to lose it to. I was trying to "replace" my high school boyfriend. I then abstained for a very long time after that.

Then came:

• a friend's suicide (same year.....high school junior)
• my  mom becoming so frustrated with my dad that she almost killed herself in front of me (again, same year.....crappy year)
• my first bout of depression due to leaving home to go to college
• returning home and switching colleges and having panic attacks
• a college boyfriend leaving me for a girl pregnant with another man's baby
• sleeping around and smoking pot and drinking to excess
• constant rejection as an actress
• another break up due to me wanting kids and he didn't
• taking a "stable" job and, basically, giving up on my dream
• infertility
• miscarriage
• unexpected pregnancy
• post partum depression
• conflict at work
• and then........the worst decision I ever made.......

So, I grieve my life as I knew it like a theater in ruins. Then I rebuild. Maybe not a bigger or prettier theater but one with a solid foundation. One that will keep me and my family safe.

Proverbs 15:13-14(Amp): 13 A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is broken.

Day 35: Disappointment

I've never dealt well with disappointment. I am not sure where this came from. I search back through my childhood and try to figure it out. Is it from too much loss? Is it from having too high of expectations? Nothing ever seems to rise to my level of "happiness". I always want more.

How much of this is just inside my head? I imagine my life inside a crystal ball. I'm watching myself and everything I have. It's everything I ever wanted. It's something so many people wish they had. Then why do I still feel "unfullfilled"? That word is so cliche.

I ask God to fill my heart so I can feel complete. Deep down I know that only I can do that. I just don't know how to go about it. So many people pretend to be complete and fulfilled. It is in the kindness of strangers who express their true feelings anonymously on the computer that I know I am not alone.

I see that I am not alone in how I feel but, in truth, no one ever knows EXACTLY how someone feels. Our pain is unique. We must honor our pain by feeling it instead of ignoring and avoiding it.

Face the pain of your actions and your heart will fill.

Psalm 121

My Help Comes from the LORD

A Song of Ascents.

¹I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
² My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
³He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
⁴Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
⁵The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
⁶ The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
⁷The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
⁸The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

Day 28: Dreams and Nightmares

I am bothered, yet again, by the vivid dreams I have. This is partly due to my hormones and is also a side effect of the anti-depressent I am on. The brain is a wonderous thing. How is it possible to hear, see, feel, and even smell in our dreams? The anxiety that comes with this vividness takes hours for me to overcome. My dreams seem so real.

An affair is like a dream. It appears to be real but it isn't. It is selfishness in a bubble. Two people thinking only of themselves and cutting off the rest of the world. An affair doesn't deal with dirty diapers, not being able to pay your bills, cleaning up the toy room, disciplining your children, or dealing with other family members. Then our subconscious remembers the affair as only something good. It doesn't hold on to the hurt and pain that the affair caused so many people.

So, I look to God for what is real.......what is truth. Sometimes we wonder if dreams are a "sign" from God.
Trust in God to lead you in the right direction. Trust that he treats you as an individual.
 Here is a thought from http://www.rcg.org/:

There are many dreams, visions or premonitions that people experience. Their sources are not as easily determined by the untrained. Therefore, we must think twice before assuming they are from God, even if they show supernatural evidence. In I John 4:1 God instructs us to “try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.” Almost everyone assumes that dreams and visions bear messages from God. This is a very dangerous assumption.

In situations in which visions, dreams or other such experiences result in sickness, fear, anxiety, or similar adverse effects, one should seek God’s intervention and healing. In most situations, however, dreams and visions are derived from one’s own day-to-day activities and problems.

Romans 2:6

 ⁶ He will render to each one according to his works:

Day 26: Restoration

Yesterday I took a restorative yoga class and I felt wonderful afterwards. The first hour was intense yoga that made me sweat out toxins. The second half was meditation to renew my spirit. I had the best sleep in a long time. However, even though I was sleeping soundly, I was still dreaming. Dreaming the same old subconscious garbage. How do we tap into the subconcious? How do we believe in the good of the world when we're exposed to so much pain? How do we deal with our own worst enemy...our thoughts and imaginations? Isn't it the imagination that makes meditation so helpful? Then why, when we're at rest, do our minds continue to ruminate on what causes us pain?

I always thought of restoration as replacing something old or broken with it's original contents or appearance. I now realize that restoring yourself to a state of health and well being doesn't mean trying to be the "good" person you used to be. It means not only rebuilding, but also improving on what you were or what you had. I have been trying to rebuild my marriage but not restore it with something new. By "new" I mean different ways of communicating, interacting, and responding to one another. Habits are so hard to break for me. I find comfort in the familiar. The biggest challenge is being receptive to a new relationship with myself and my husband. I will not fall back into old habits of coping.

This is scary considering our "habits" of dealing with negativity are ingrained in us since childhood. How do you change your habits? How do you go about restoring yourself and your relationships to something new and fresh?

Joel 2:25-26
I will restore to you the years

   that the swarming locust has eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter,
   my great army, which I sent among you.  
²⁶ "You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
   and praise the name of the LORD your God,
   who has dealt wondrously with you.
And my people shall never again be put to shame."

Day 23: Act first.......feel later.

When I was in college, I learned a very difficult technique in a very simple way. I was an acting major and we were being taught The Stanislavski System. In order to show us what the method was about, my professor had us bang a shoe on the floor using our hands. We had to pound it over and over and over again UNTIL some kind of feeling or emotion followed. I wish I could remember what kind of emotion I had during that exercise. So many different reactions could come from it. One might start laughing from repetition, crying from frustration, or yelling from aggravation.
We all react in different ways to different circumstances. However, the lesson I take is this: Perform actions and the feelings will follow. This applies not only in acting but in life. Think about it. How do affairs get started? The affair partners are thinking of one another then they start performing actions to satisfy each others needs. Finally, they feel "in love" or that they're "soulmates". The high of these actions is temporary and unrealistic. It is not reality or permanent. How do people get back into their faith? They go to church, they pray, and they perform religious acts.
So, perform actions for God and your most closely guarded loved ones and you will experience beautiful emotion. Perform actions against God and your loved ones and you will cause and feel nothing but pain. So, think carefully before you act. Thoughts......actions........feelings........

Titus 1:16

They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good.

Day 21: Let it Go Where it May

Letting go and believing in God has always been difficult for me because I can't "see" proof that God exists. So, how am I supposed to keep faith? I like to think of it as a helium balloon. You let it go into the sky knowing it will go where it may. Eventually, when the helium runs out, it will land somewhere "permanent". I am trying to trust in God that when I let my balloon go, he'll direct it in the "good" direction. A lot of it depends on me though. We have the "free will" to decide when, where, and how we will let the balloon go.
I was not smart with my free will. I held on to the balloon and tried not to break it when all the while it was shrinking and slowly leaking helium. Now I must let it go before all the helium runs out and trust that God will lead it where it's supposed to go. Do we really have any control over our fate? We can only "control" so much.
Let the helium of God's love lift you up and carry you when you need it. Trust that he'll set you down in a place free of evil.
How do you continue to believe in God?
Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
   and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
   and he will make straight your paths.

 

Day 18: Open the window and take a deep breath

My cousin and I used to laugh because anytime we'd get upset, her dad would say "take a deep breath" or "just breathe". We would giggle foolishly. Now that we're grown up, we see he was right. This was a man who struggled with addiction himself but he had the right idea.
If we don't take a deep breath, then we hyperventilate and shut down. Every conscious deep breath we take should be treated like you just opened a window after a long winter. The spring air comes rushing in and you take a deep breath and what do you feel?
RELIEF!
I forgot all I had learned during my set back. To start with a big breath and then focus on the tension in my body and then let the thoughts come. But remember they are just that.........thoughts.
That is why it is so hard to keep my faith. We cannot literally "see" God. He is just a thought. But we need to open the window and let the toxic thoughts blow away in the breeze. We need to hold on to and care for the thoughts that are precious to us.......like God. How do you hold on to the good thoughts and let the toxic ones blow away?

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Day 16: Set backs and sailboats

My boat had been docked. It had been held down with an anchor but then the storm came through. I weathered the storm as best as I could rocking around and being tossed by the waves because I didn't anchor it properly. I didn't give my anchor the care and protection it needed and it came loose. The worst part is I tried to deny that I didn't anchor it properly and got blown out to sea.
Now I am fighting to stay afloat and not drown. Part of me wants to just dive in and see if I drown or not. That's the satanic part of me. The other part, the good part, is trying to stay on board and get back to dock. Jumping would be easier, wouldn't it? Throwing all caution to the wind seems easier but I know the end result would be disastrous. If I was lucky enough to survive, I wouldn't have anything to return to. My boat will have sailed without me. I'd be standing on shore alone. I often wonder if that would be so terrible. I've always been somewhat of a loner even though I'm an extrovert. However, I wouldn't just be alone. I'd be stranded with no one to get me off the island. I just can't figure out how to stay afloat and get back to the dock on my own without "being watched". How do you stay afloat?

Isaiah 41:10

fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Cross references:

1. Isaiah 41:10 : Psalm 48:10

Day 15: My Secret Garden

I couldn't blog yesterday. It was a hard day for me. I had anxiety all day long because I was fighting cravings. This morning I found this article and it made me sob. I think I'm sobbing because it has provided me with a sense of relief that there's an explanation for the way I am FEELING. I have not acted on these feelings but I still fight them.
http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/Sexual-Addiction.htm
When I was in college, I played the part of Mary Lennox in The Secret Garden. I was finally the "lead" in a play. It is ironic to me now. I was the lead character who had to get in the garden and beautify it and keep it a secret. It was hers. She only shared it with her cousin.
The secret garden gave her a place to hide and a sense of comfort where she could be alone. Secrets have always made me feel "comfortable". Probably because my mom taught me to live by "what he/she doesn't know won't hurt them". I do not blame her. My mother is a wonderful mother who came from a poor family of alcoholics. That was her survival technique.
I have come to realize this does not work for me. Even though I got a sense of comfort from my affair (my secret garden), I didn't like turning my back on God and "hiding". My affair bubble was my secret garden. It began as something so ugly and dead then came alive and was beautiful. This "beauty", however, was hidden behind lock and key. If something is truly beautiful, do we not want everyone to see it? If affair love is real then why is it hidden in a secret garden that grew from ugliness? If we do not continue to water it, it will die. I will no longer water my secret garden. I need to walk out out of it, lock the door, throw away the key, and never go back. I need to find beauty in God and the real world. What do you do to escape? Is it a "healthy" escape?

Luke 8:17

For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light.

Cross references:

1. Luke 8:17 : Luke 12:2; Matt 10:26; 1 Tim 5:25

Day 13: The Little Red Hen

Yesterday my youngest daughter read me "The Little Red Hen". We all know that story, right? Everyone refuses to help the little red hen until they smell the freshly baked bread. So, the little red hen did everything herself and then reaped the reward.......rightly so. It just got me thinking how I am always searching for instant gratification. The instant "high". Where and when did I learn to devalue quality and focus on quantity?
My mind is so powerful and it's also my worst enemy. They are just "thoughts". They are not fact or truth.
I hate seeing somone hit someone else. It's like my heart is being squeezed and I can't breathe. I saw on the news a story about a judge who rules on domestic abuse cases and, at night when no one is looking, he beats his daughter. They showed a clip of him beating her. I kept thinking, "How can anyone BE like that?" But did I not "beat the hell" out of my husband by having an affair?
I also kept thinking that I hope my kids never have to deal with being hit. But they will, even if it's not physical, it will be emotional. Then how do I protect them?
When do we let go and allow them to be independent like the little red hen? How could I think that commiting suicide would solve anything? Yes, it would take my pain away but it would cause everyone else so very much heartache. How could I protect my children if I wasn't alive? I couldn't. So, once again, I need to stop being so selfish. Life needs to be about my kids now. We all need to step up and help the little red hen OR if we are the little red hen, then learn to survive on our own. We need to learn to love being with ourselves..........like the little red hen did. Then our addictions will fade.
What steps do you take in fighting your addictions?

Philippians 2:4

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Cross references:

1. Philippians 2:4 : Rom 15:2

Day 11: Deserving

From the free online dictionary:
de·serv·ing   (d-zûrvng)

adj.

Worthy, as of reward, praise, or aid.

n.

Merit; worthiness.

I am struggling with if I deserve all that I have. I offended yet another friend of mine due to my affair. Do I deserve to remain his friend?

Do I deserve a second chance from my husband?

Do I deserve the beautiful home I have?

Do I deserve the respect of my children?

Do I deserve my job?

I had earned all I had and crashed it down like a stack of dominoes in one fell swoop. In one moment of time when I let my boundaries go, I put everything at risk.

When my kids misbehave, they have to earn back their rights. I should be treated the same way. I have to earn back my friendships, my husband's love and respect, my home, my children and my job.

Do I also have to earn back God's forgiveness? How do I do that? Confession? Making good on everything above?

I am selfish. Everyday I have to fight it. I have to treat my "need to escape" as an addiction. Yes, there are root causes as to why I am the way I am but even figuring that out doesn't take away the temptation.

What is life? Why am I here? Why do I have such a strong need to escape such a beautiful life? I admitted to my husband that I was comfortable in the affair. He then likened it to a drug addict. He said drug addicts are comfortable sitting in their own shit when they're "high". That was me........sitting in my own crap (no one else's). Why would anyone long to go back to that? Is the high that good? It was all just an escape for me.

I am trying to face the pain head on. No more ignoring it. I am facing reality. How do you face reality?

Romans 1:1-32

Paul, a servant^[a] of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, ²which he promised beforehand through his prophets in the holy Scriptures, ³concerning his Son, who was descended from David^[b] according to the flesh ⁴and was declared to be the Son of God in power according to the Spirit of holiness by his resurrection from the dead, Jesus Christ our Lord, ⁵through whom we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations, ⁶including you who are called to belong to Jesus Christ.

Translation: Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.

Day 10: With disaster came blessings

So many days have passed because we were hit with a freak snowstorm. Most of us were without electricity from Saturday to Wednesday. Most of us abandoned our homes and sought shelter elsewhere.
The leaved trees that fell in my front and back yards reminded me of what a mess I had made of my life. Such beautiful trees looked so spooky and scary with their cracked and fallen branches.....some branches hanging on for life but still very cracked. A giant tree in our front yard that is the same age as me is now probably destroyed and will have to be cut down.
This is how I feel about what I've done to my beautiful life. I broke it and now I have to cut it down to start over. But from a disaster comes a new beginning: a new tree for my yard and a new marriage for me.
From this disaster came time alone with  my husband in which we reconnected emotionally and physically. We stayed in a hotel that was in our old hometown.......we went back to our roots just as the tree will have to do.
I have accepted the fact that the temptations I feel will never go away. The mistake I have been making is that I was trying to make the temptations disappear. Now I realize I can only manage them to the best of my ability with God's help. I cannot make them disappear. I really mean it now when I say in the Our Father "and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil". Perhaps this is what AA means when they say they are helpless against the addiction. We are not helpless in controlling it but we are helpless in its existence.
I was also given precious time with my children that I normally wouldn't have had. These beautiful innocent children who enjoy the moments they are in. This is what I need to practice. My thoughts are my worst enemy. In Pemra Chodrans book "When Things Fall Apart" she labels these thoughts as "thinking". So when I start to spiral down the hill of depression and self pity........I remind myself it's just "thinking". I tried meditating but was only able to stay still for about a minute. Apparently this is normal when first beginning to meditate. I will try yet again!
Do you consider praying to be meditation? How do you go about combining the two?
Isaiah 45:7

I form light and create darkness,
I make well-being and create calamity,
I am the LORD, who does all these things.

Cross references:

1. Isaiah 45:7 : Isaiah 41:23; Amos 3:6

Day 4: So much loss but new gains

I didn't write yesterday because my son was ill. I felt bad about missing work but realize that my son will only be young once and it was a gift to spend the day with him.
My husband and I discussed the loss of faith in affairs. In most affairs, it seems "normal" for the offending spouse to lose their faith and ignore God because he/she knows they are breaking a commandment. Last night H and I watched the movie "Fireproof". I highly recommend it for couples who are trying to recover from an affair and do not turn their noses up at a higher power. It was very inspiring to me to know that other people are struggling with the same temptations but can overcome it. I finally now understand AA's step in giving the addiction over to God. I used to keep a God jar. Anything that was bothering me would be written on a piece of paper and put in the jar for God to take care of. I need to start doing that again.
I feel stronger than I have in a long time.
I got the dreaded question yesterday, "Who are my godparents?" Ugh.........the sister of my affair partner and her husband are the godparents to one of my children. I met her 16 years ago. She was the first friend I met when I moved to a new city. We had a lot in common. We helped each other through many tough times. I am also the godmother to one of her children. So, this affair cost me my friendship with her. It is heartbreaking. Neither one of us knew the impact it would have on so many people. I had to write her a letter ending our friendship. I tried to explain to her that it would be too risky for me to be in contact with anyone associated with her brother. I had to look at it as staying friends with someone who was related to my drug dealer.
For 6 months, I focused on my losses. Now am I realizing not only what I was lucky enough NOT to lose but what I've also gained. I have back the man I fell in love with, I have a greater appreciation of my children and lifestyle. I even have more respect for MY brother, his wife, and my parents. My parents have been married for 53 years! I am getting my faith back. I am a better version of who I was before my world fell apart. It only fell apart because I allowed it, too. I take full responsibility in taking the "easy way out" of my stress and problems.
What else have I gained? A maturity that I didn't have before. I am 41 and need to grow up. I was stuck in the stage of needing instant gratification. We children of the 80's are so impatient.
I am learning what love really means. Love is being thankful for what you have and making the best of your life. Love is putting other people's feelings before your own. Love is trusting and believing in God. Love is being the best person you can be. Love is living by a strong set of values and maintaining a good character. Love is not selfish!!!
So, H and I are going to do the steps in the book "Love Dare". Not only do I want to do whatever it takes to keep my family together and fix my marriage, but also I want to do it with enthusiasm.
I now get the term "born again". I realized I want to be different and better and I CAN be. Nothing is stopping me. Satan cannot stop me. My addictions cannot stop me. I am in full control.
The only part of me that I've never been in control of (until now) is my depression. Do not ever be hesitant about being on an antidepressant if it's going to help you get better. I am finally on the right dose and it's made the biggest difference. Life is not a black hole for me anymore. The glass is half full now.
If you're recovering from an affair and are in a deep depression, you WILL get through it. Be proactive in helping yourself before you help your marriage. Grieve the loss of your affair partner. You have to look at it as your AP dying. Go through the steps of grief. Don't put a band aid on a cut so deep it needs stitches. Deal with the wound until it heals properly. How freeing it is for me to finally reach the stage of acceptance!
How do you come to accept your sins?

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.

Cross references:

1. Psalm 34:18 : Psalm 51:17; 147:3; Isa 61:1
2. Psalm 34:18 : Isa 57:15; 66:2; Luke 15:17-24

Day 2: How to forgive myself

My cousin, who is also my sponsor, says I need to forgive myself. See, she also had an affair and left her husband and they are divorced now. The man she left her husband for is not really in her life any longer. She told me her biggest mistake was leaving her husband for another man.
You need to make it work with whomever you married because there was a reason you married that person. The reason I married my husband? I mentioned yesterday that he's handsome, sweet, sexy, intelligent, kind, and a wonderful father. The reason I cheated? Selfishness.
I was feeling lonely and insecure and I didn't know how to tell him what I needed. So, I lowered my expectations and made myself feel better by being with someone who didn't fit my old values. My new values? I didn't have any...........I was walking down the road naked with no food and freezing cold with my husband yelling after me that he will help me. I didn't hear him.......I didn't care to listen. I kept going in my isolation and then, there in the desert, stood Satan with open arms. "I will hold you. I will care for you. I will love you." I stumbled into his arms. I was comfortable there for three years. For three years, I abandoned God and did as Satan said.
Who saved me? Ha.......ironically it was Satan himself. He became greedy and exposed our love affair. That's when I started looking behind me. It was foggy but I could see the shape of my husband and my kids in the distance. I turned around and stared but Satan, for two more months, whispered "come back to me."
Then one day in May, I wrote the letter. The no contact forever letter asking him to leave me alone forever.
I turned around and walked back to my husband at the other end of the desert.....sobbing the entire way. Throwing up that I had to give up the sick hold that Satan had on me. "But we have so much fun together. We have an unbearably happy escape together. Don't leave the bubble."
I broke the bubble. I had, too. But I felt like Jesus bleeding on the cross. Blood soaking into the sand. My bloody footprints behind me. I kept walking for six months. Dragging my bloody feet through the hot sand. So thirsty for water and knew if I went back that Satan would give me the water I needed.
But I kept going. I fought my way through the fog and the illusions and fell into my husbands arms. There he held me. As hurt as he is from my abandonment.....he still held me in his arms until I was able to stand again. 6 months it took me to stand up again. Slowly, with my husbands help, I began to speak again. I showered. I became human again.
But Satan lingers.........he has left me alone physically but emotionally he still lingers. He whispers in my ear. He makes false promises "if only I would come back to him." He haunts my dreams. I fight his images every day. EVERY day. I have read and re-read "Dirty Girls Come Clean." It's great for any addiction. http://www.dirtygirlsministries.com/
How do you forgive yourself for still thinking about Satan? How do you stop thinking about him and his temptations?

Matthew 12:31

Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven people, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.

Cross references:

1. Matthew 12:31 : For Matthew 12:31, 32, Mark 3:28-30; Luke 12:10; Heb 6:4-6; 10:26; 1 John 5:16
2. Matthew 12:31 : Acts 7:51; Heb 10:29

Day 1: My healing journey finally begins

I don't know where to start. I am not an overly religious person. I grew up Catholic. I was married in the Catholic church, I am still Catholic, and my children go to Catholic school. However, somewhere along the way, I lost my faith. I used to go to church every Sunday even when I was single. It was a place for me to repent and relax. I was proud of being Catholic until I encountered infertility. The Catholic church does not support Invitro-fertilization but that's what I needed to have my children. I think this is when I began to doubt that there was a God. I kept thinking that God would not consider having children (no matter how you have them) a sin. I slowly began to move away from my faith and this led me into hell.
It began when I became pregnant on my own when my twins were only a year old. This was not a blessing to me at the time.......it was a burden. I actually discussed aborting this child.
I did not do that but I wasn't happy about having another child. Then I had my tubes tied and our extra embryos destroyed and I just fell deeper and deeper into the fire pit of hell.
During the summer of 2008, I reconnected with an old friend. We had only dated a few times in 1996. I had no attraction to him then. I saw what a mess he was at the time.......alcoholic, cocaine addict, braggert, materialistic. He did not fill my values so I moved away from him. Then I met my husband. My sweet, good, handsome, smart, everything I always wanted husband. We married in 1999.
Back to the summer of 2008......my husband and I were disconnected. I was emotionally a wreck. I was depressed. I felt as if I had no identity except for being a mom to three kids. I had just lost 20 pounds but I was still feeling very ugly and undesirable UNTIL..........this old friend of mine made a pass at me. At first, I was disgusted and freaked out but as the days went on, I began to fantasize about him and I somehow made him into my "perfect man". This is not at all what he was. He had just gotten out of prison for embezzling and was still on probation. He was still an alcoholic and a gambler but he was charming and fed my ego. Despite his satanic ways, I fell into a three year affair with him.
My husband found out and it has been a difficult recovery thus far. My "inner child" is wounded because I betrayed her. I became someone I didn't ever want to be. So, I'm trying to recover from this affair, better my marriage, make it up to my husband, and find my spirituality again. This is the blog of my journey.
Please don't post any messages berating me. I am looking for people who have advice on recovery. Thank you! Here is a good post. http://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-couples-fail-after-affair-pt-4-denying-reality-after-affair#comment-10347

Jeremiah 17:14

Jeremiah Prays for Deliverance

 Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed;
save me, and I shall be saved,
for you are my praise.

Cross references:

1. Jeremiah 17:14 : Psalm 6:2
2. Jeremiah 17:14 : Deut 10:21