Make Adultery Illegal in all 50 States!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Day 2: How to forgive myself

My cousin, who is also my sponsor, says I need to forgive myself. See, she also had an affair and left her husband and they are divorced now. The man she left her husband for is not really in her life any longer. She told me her biggest mistake was leaving her husband for another man.
You need to make it work with whomever you married because there was a reason you married that person. The reason I married my husband? I mentioned yesterday that he's handsome, sweet, sexy, intelligent, kind, and a wonderful father. The reason I cheated? Selfishness.
I was feeling lonely and insecure and I didn't know how to tell him what I needed. So, I lowered my expectations and made myself feel better by being with someone who didn't fit my old values. My new values? I didn't have any...........I was walking down the road naked with no food and freezing cold with my husband yelling after me that he will help me. I didn't hear him.......I didn't care to listen. I kept going in my isolation and then, there in the desert, stood Satan with open arms. "I will hold you. I will care for you. I will love you." I stumbled into his arms. I was comfortable there for three years. For three years, I abandoned God and did as Satan said.
Who saved me? Ha.......ironically it was Satan himself. He became greedy and exposed our love affair. That's when I started looking behind me. It was foggy but I could see the shape of my husband and my kids in the distance. I turned around and stared but Satan, for two more months, whispered "come back to me."
Then one day in May, I wrote the letter. The no contact forever letter asking him to leave me alone forever.
I turned around and walked back to my husband at the other end of the desert.....sobbing the entire way. Throwing up that I had to give up the sick hold that Satan had on me. "But we have so much fun together. We have an unbearably happy escape together. Don't leave the bubble."
I broke the bubble. I had, too. But I felt like Jesus bleeding on the cross. Blood soaking into the sand. My bloody footprints behind me. I kept walking for six months. Dragging my bloody feet through the hot sand. So thirsty for water and knew if I went back that Satan would give me the water I needed.
But I kept going. I fought my way through the fog and the illusions and fell into my husbands arms. There he held me. As hurt as he is from my abandonment.....he still held me in his arms until I was able to stand again. 6 months it took me to stand up again. Slowly, with my husbands help, I began to speak again. I showered. I became human again.
But Satan lingers.........he has left me alone physically but emotionally he still lingers. He whispers in my ear. He makes false promises "if only I would come back to him." He haunts my dreams. I fight his images every day. EVERY day. I have read and re-read "Dirty Girls Come Clean." It's great for any addiction.
How do you forgive yourself for still thinking about Satan? How do you stop thinking about him and his temptations?

Matthew 12:31

Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven people, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.


  1. Thank you for sharing. From personal experience I would definitely encourage you to find a pastor in a thriving church to pray with you to break soul ties. 1 Cor 6:18 ....all other sins a person commits are outside the body, but the one who sins sexually sins against his own body. This is so important to break the hold that the enemy has on you with this other person. Stick close to Jesus as he leads you through this season. He has plans....

  2. Wow! Thank you. I never looked at my situation that way. Thank you for shining some light on me! The kindess of strangers like you amazes me.