Make Adultery Illegal in all 50 States!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Day 4: So much loss but new gains

I didn't write yesterday because my son was ill. I felt bad about missing work but realize that my son will only be young once and it was a gift to spend the day with him.
My husband and I discussed the loss of faith in affairs. In most affairs, it seems "normal" for the offending spouse to lose their faith and ignore God because he/she knows they are breaking a commandment. Last night H and I watched the movie "Fireproof". I highly recommend it for couples who are trying to recover from an affair and do not turn their noses up at a higher power. It was very inspiring to me to know that other people are struggling with the same temptations but can overcome it. I finally now understand AA's step in giving the addiction over to God. I used to keep a God jar. Anything that was bothering me would be written on a piece of paper and put in the jar for God to take care of. I need to start doing that again.
I feel stronger than I have in a long time.
I got the dreaded question yesterday, "Who are my godparents?" Ugh.........the sister of my affair partner and her husband are the godparents to one of my children. I met her 16 years ago. She was the first friend I met when I moved to a new city. We had a lot in common. We helped each other through many tough times. I am also the godmother to one of her children. So, this affair cost me my friendship with her. It is heartbreaking. Neither one of us knew the impact it would have on so many people. I had to write her a letter ending our friendship. I tried to explain to her that it would be too risky for me to be in contact with anyone associated with her brother. I had to look at it as staying friends with someone who was related to my drug dealer.
For 6 months, I focused on my losses. Now am I realizing not only what I was lucky enough NOT to lose but what I've also gained. I have back the man I fell in love with, I have a greater appreciation of my children and lifestyle. I even have more respect for MY brother, his wife, and my parents. My parents have been married for 53 years! I am getting my faith back. I am a better version of who I was before my world fell apart. It only fell apart because I allowed it, too. I take full responsibility in taking the "easy way out" of my stress and problems.
What else have I gained? A maturity that I didn't have before. I am 41 and need to grow up. I was stuck in the stage of needing instant gratification. We children of the 80's are so impatient.
I am learning what love really means. Love is being thankful for what you have and making the best of your life. Love is putting other people's feelings before your own. Love is trusting and believing in God. Love is being the best person you can be. Love is living by a strong set of values and maintaining a good character. Love is not selfish!!!
So, H and I are going to do the steps in the book "Love Dare". Not only do I want to do whatever it takes to keep my family together and fix my marriage, but also I want to do it with enthusiasm.
I now get the term "born again". I realized I want to be different and better and I CAN be. Nothing is stopping me. Satan cannot stop me. My addictions cannot stop me. I am in full control.
The only part of me that I've never been in control of (until now) is my depression. Do not ever be hesitant about being on an antidepressant if it's going to help you get better. I am finally on the right dose and it's made the biggest difference. Life is not a black hole for me anymore. The glass is half full now.
If you're recovering from an affair and are in a deep depression, you WILL get through it. Be proactive in helping yourself before you help your marriage. Grieve the loss of your affair partner. You have to look at it as your AP dying. Go through the steps of grief. Don't put a band aid on a cut so deep it needs stitches. Deal with the wound until it heals properly. How freeing it is for me to finally reach the stage of acceptance!
How do you come to accept your sins?

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.

1 comment:

  1. Bravo for your bravery! I, too, write about marriage post affair, etc. We belong to a challenging sisterhood, but thankful there is hope! Like you I stayed and we are 8 years from when he first disclosed. And it gets easier, but it's still hard, if that makes any sense. Would love for you to visit my blog sometime. Maybe it will be an encouragement? You are not alone in this.

    C. from Light in the Darkness