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Thursday, November 3, 2011

Day 10: With disaster came blessings

So many days have passed because we were hit with a freak snowstorm. Most of us were without electricity from Saturday to Wednesday. Most of us abandoned our homes and sought shelter elsewhere.
The leaved trees that fell in my front and back yards reminded me of what a mess I had made of my life. Such beautiful trees looked so spooky and scary with their cracked and fallen branches.....some branches hanging on for life but still very cracked. A giant tree in our front yard that is the same age as me is now probably destroyed and will have to be cut down.
This is how I feel about what I've done to my beautiful life. I broke it and now I have to cut it down to start over. But from a disaster comes a new beginning: a new tree for my yard and a new marriage for me.
From this disaster came time alone with  my husband in which we reconnected emotionally and physically. We stayed in a hotel that was in our old hometown.......we went back to our roots just as the tree will have to do.
I have accepted the fact that the temptations I feel will never go away. The mistake I have been making is that I was trying to make the temptations disappear. Now I realize I can only manage them to the best of my ability with God's help. I cannot make them disappear. I really mean it now when I say in the Our Father "and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil". Perhaps this is what AA means when they say they are helpless against the addiction. We are not helpless in controlling it but we are helpless in its existence.
I was also given precious time with my children that I normally wouldn't have had. These beautiful innocent children who enjoy the moments they are in. This is what I need to practice. My thoughts are my worst enemy. In Pemra Chodrans book "When Things Fall Apart" she labels these thoughts as "thinking". So when I start to spiral down the hill of depression and self pity........I remind myself it's just "thinking". I tried meditating but was only able to stay still for about a minute. Apparently this is normal when first beginning to meditate. I will try yet again!
Do you consider praying to be meditation? How do you go about combining the two?
Isaiah 45:7
I form light and create darkness,
I make well-being and create calamity,
I am the LORD, who does all these things.

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