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Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Day 71: Who I was..........

My parents had all our old films put on DVD. My dad has this great old projector that could catch fire in a second (Have you seen Cinema Paradiso?). So, as a special Christmas gift, my parents had this DVD made. I've watched it twice so far.

What I noticed the first time was how I had no hesitation in hugging and kissing my parents.......especially my mom. Even when I was thirteen. I don't remember myself that way. I remember being embarrassed about it but I really wasn't. Perhaps I think I was always this way because I was so nasty to her on my prom video. I hate watching that video because of that. I had just turned 18 and expected her to do everything for me. Why do we talk so horribly to the ones we love the most?

The second time I watched the films, I noticed how happy I was as a child. Again, I don't recall being so happy. All I seem to remember is the pain of my depression when I was 19. The cloud of depression over my memories. I was in awe of myself. I was so excited about life. I would try anything. Nothing but the moment mattered. So, when do things change? When do we stop enjoying life and start worrying about everything? When do we start turning to drugs and alcohol and affairs to deaden our pain? Where does the pain come from in the first place? Why, when my life is so enriching and GOOD, that I seek out pain? Do I seek out pain or does it just find me?

I don't yet have any answers to these questions. One thing I do know is that I like who I WAS. I want to go back to that. I want to be the girl who was so excited about what life had to offer. I want to be the girl who enjoys the moment. I want to be the girl who knows the future holds only good things. This is going to take a lot of effort on my part but I owe it not only to my family, but also to myself.

That effort begins today. I must find the old me. I know she's still in there. I have to find ways to bring her out. She's good, sweet, happy, healthy, smart and she knows how to LOVE!

My  New Year's resolution is to find her again and show her to everyone else!

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

 4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

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