Nothing I say matters. My word can't be believed because I was such a liar. So, I have to show him through my actions that I won't have another affair. I have to show him through my actions that I'm remorseful.
But how do I ever take his sadness away? How do we recover from something that you can't take back? How do you live with yourself when you know you have committed a mortal sin? I had to push God away during my affair because he was a reminder that I was committing a mortal sin.
How do I have the right to correct my kids for using a curse word when I've done something so awful? Is it my fault that our youngest lies a lot or is it just the way she is? How do I convince her to stop?
Lies are like water hitting a dam. They build and build until they break the dam. I have broken my dam. I have broken the strength that was holding me up. I became greedy which, in the end, broke my dam.
Now I'm swimming aimlessly. Not sure where my water is going to go. Hoping my husband can put the protective barrier back up. What if he can't? What happens to us then?
Dams keep storms from wrecking havoc on the things around it. It keeps those "things" safe. Until the storm is so strong that it breaks the dam. Then those things get flooded and ruined. Rebuilding takes a long time.
I have to keep believing that, in time, the damage from my storm of lies will lessen. I know it will never cease. It's too late for that. Storms will go on for a lifetime but it's how we handle them. Can you stop your storm with a damn of protectivity or will your storm be so strong that it breaks and destroys and floods?
So, for now, I float along trying to earn back my dam of security. It takes time..........
John 8:43-47 says, "Why do ye not understand my speech? even because ye cannot hear my word. Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it. And because I tell you the truth, ye believe me not. Which of you convinceth me of sin? And if I say the truth, why do ye not believe me? He that is of God heareth God's words: ye therefore hear them not, because ye are not of God."
My heart goes out to you. The pain and isolation can be overwhelming, in addition to the sins behind it.
ReplyDeleteIrish Triplets wrote: “So, for now, I float along trying to earn back my dam of security. It takes time”
In one sense, this is trying to re-establish a relationship based on the law (“trying to earn back”). Your hope, strength, and change come about through the Gospel, namely God’s grace, His undeserved favor in Jesus Christ, given freely, repeatedly, in His Word and in the Lord’s Supper—FOR YOU. Slowly as the truth of that forgiveness, newness, restoration seeps into your heart, the change will come, not from a demand to “earn” but from a heart that is fully restored. God desires for you to live in that freedom.
Is that easy? Absolutely not. But a couple Bible verses may help:
Jeremiah 31:34b: The LORD declares: “for I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.”
This is the prophecy concerning the new covenant or better new testament. , the body and blood of Jesus Christ shed for you for the forgiveness of sins.
1 Peter 3:21 Corresponding to that, baptism now saves you — not the removal of dirt from the flesh, but an appeal to God for a good conscience — through the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Notice how he connects Baptism with the cleansing of the conscience. As you struggle with the remembrance of the sin, it is more likely the guilt, fear, shame associated with it. God’s forgiveness covers it all: the sin, the guilt (Psalm 32:5), the shame, etc. Forgiveness in Christ is free, total, complete, and the source of strength as one reborn.
And finally note, you cannot take away the other person’s sadness. That is something he has to deal with. But note carefully what Paul wrote:
Gal. 6:1 Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.
Highlight the words: “restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness.” That is what Christians are about; that is what the Church is about. That is the beginning of a new relationship.
May God richly bless you in Jesus Christ.