I knew last night that something was on my husband's mind. He looked distracted. He looked sad. I knew he was thinking about my affair. I felt so helpless.
Nothing I say matters. My word can't be believed because I was such a liar. So, I have to show him through my actions that I won't have another affair. I have to show him through my actions that I'm remorseful.
But how do I ever take his sadness away? How do we recover from something that you can't take back? How do you live with yourself when you know you have committed a mortal sin? I had to push God away during my affair because he was a reminder that I was committing a mortal sin.
How do I have the right to correct my kids for using a curse word when I've done something so awful? Is it my fault that our youngest lies a lot or is it just the way she is? How do I convince her to stop?
Lies are like water hitting a dam. They build and build until they break the dam. I have broken my dam. I have broken the strength that was holding me up. I became greedy which, in the end, broke my dam.
Now I'm swimming aimlessly. Not sure where my water is going to go. Hoping my husband can put the protective barrier back up. What if he can't? What happens to us then?
Dams keep storms from wrecking havoc on the things around it. It keeps those "things" safe. Until the storm is so strong that it breaks the dam. Then those things get flooded and ruined. Rebuilding takes a long time.
I have to keep believing that, in time, the damage from my storm of lies will lessen. I know it will never cease. It's too late for that. Storms will go on for a lifetime but it's how we handle them. Can you stop your storm with a damn of protectivity or will your storm be so strong that it breaks and destroys and floods?
So, for now, I float along trying to earn back my dam of security. It takes time..........
John 8:43-47 says, "Why do ye not understand my speech? even because ye cannot hear my word. Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it. And because I tell you the truth, ye believe me not. Which of you convinceth me of sin? And if I say the truth, why do ye not believe me? He that is of God heareth God's words: ye therefore hear them not, because ye are not of God."