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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Day 96: The Rollercoaster

I realize I haven't written in almost two weeks. This past two weeks continues to be a rollercoaster ride. My remorse sometimes overwhelms me. I wake up and I can't believe what I have done. I can't believe how I have hurt my spouse and betrayed God (and myself). I ruined our "normal". However, neither one of us was happy with the old normal. How do we go about taking on a new normal?
I feel like this pain, guilt, and remorse will be with me forever. I suppose I deserve that after being so horribly hurting and selfish.
I was so naive. I had no idea what I was doing would cause such havoc. I feel like I was on drugs. I guess in a way I was. I wanted the "high" so badly. I look back and see myself sitting in my own shit in a crack house. AND the dealer continues to tempt me. I was comfortable in my own crap. Now that the fog has cleared......I see it for what it was and I'm mortified.
Affair recovery really is like a rollercoaster. Sometimes we are on an uphill and feeling calm and hopeful. Other times, more often than not, we are staring down at the hill waiting for the car to drop. (Like the picture below!).
It's so scary. Not knowing if the ride is over and I've got to get off. Not knowing if the ride will ever end. Sick to my stomach as if I'm going around in loops with no end in sight.
At the same time, I have to make sure my husband isn't sick to his stomach, isn't falling out of the car, isn't riding without a harness, isn't going downhill too much, isn't going round and round.
I often don't know how to do that while I am trying to endure the pain and sickness of my own ride. But it's like an airplane. I have to put my oxygen mask on first. I've got to make sure that I am not so sick that I can't help him. After all, I put him on this rollercoaster.
Did I really do that? Yes, I did. How do I live with that? How do I look my children in the eyes when they are older and suffering through relationships of their own?
My ride is not special by any  means. It is not unique. There are many others all over the world on the same horrible ride.
Please get us off this rollercoaster!! God give us strength to walk the straight and narrow when getting off the ride. God give us the strength to stay off the ride! Is the short gratification worth how horrible you feel when you get off the coaster? No, it's not. EVERYTIME you get on that ride, you will leave it feeling sick and wondering why you got on it in the first place!
Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

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