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Thursday, December 1, 2011

Day 36: Loss

When do we start becoming "jaded"? Is it the first time we lose some kind of stability? The only memory I have of being three years old is losing my plastic fishy in the ocean. Try as my dad might, he could  not "save" it. My first real  loss.

Then came the loss of my dad (in a way). He got promoted and his personality changed. He no longer had as much time for us. Only now do I realize he was human and had his own emotional problems.

Then came the first boyfriend who broke my heart when he left for college and abandoned me.....still in high school.

Then came the loss of my virginity to someone I didn't want to lose it to. I was trying to "replace" my high school boyfriend. I then abstained for a very long time after that.

Then came:
  • a friend's suicide (same year.....high school junior)
  • my  mom becoming so frustrated with my dad that she almost killed herself in front of me (again, same year.....crappy year)
  • my first bout of depression due to leaving home to go to college
  • returning home and switching colleges and having panic attacks
  • a college boyfriend leaving me for a girl pregnant with another man's baby
  • sleeping around and smoking pot and drinking to excess
  • constant rejection as an actress
  • another break up due to me wanting kids and he didn't
  • taking a "stable" job and, basically, giving up on my dream
  • infertility
  • miscarriage
  • unexpected pregnancy
  • post partum depression
  • conflict at work
  • and then........the worst decision I ever made.......
So, I grieve my life as I knew it like a theater in ruins. Then I rebuild. Maybe not a bigger or prettier theater but one with a solid foundation. One that will keep me and my family safe.

    Proverbs 15:13-14(Amp): 13 A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is broken.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, again. I keep reading posts and am struck by how you are speaking through your pain. I know God is listening to you. I know He will use your testimony to reach others for HIS GLORY....

    His glory is far greater praise than anything you could get as an actress! His glory is more beautiful than the finest theater ever built. You are right, build on the firm foundation in Christ.

    But don't underestimate God!!!!! He filled your heart with dreams and desires. He has a plan for you -- and you might just find a lot of your dreams come true!!!!

    Praying now that you can let go of the past hurts (you won't forget) and open your heart to find the JOY that comes when you know THE ONE!!!!

    Imagine, your life, your decisions, painful truth lived out to glorify God... Who's sitting front row, center? GOD!!!! Who's cheering for you louder than any audience ever could? GOD!!!! He loves you.

    May you be filled with God's delight today.