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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Day 35: Disappointment

I've never dealt well with disappointment. I am not sure where this came from. I search back through my childhood and try to figure it out. Is it from too much loss? Is it from having too high of expectations? Nothing ever seems to rise to my level of "happiness". I always want more.

How much of this is just inside my head? I imagine my life inside a crystal ball. I'm watching myself and everything I have. It's everything I ever wanted. It's something so many people wish they had. Then why do I still feel "unfullfilled"? That word is so cliche.

I ask God to fill my heart so I can feel complete. Deep down I know that only I can do that. I just don't know how to go about it. So many people pretend to be complete and fulfilled. It is in the kindness of strangers who express their true feelings anonymously on the computer that I know I am not alone.

I see that I am not alone in how I feel but, in truth, no one ever knows EXACTLY how someone feels. Our pain is unique. We must honor our pain by feeling it instead of ignoring and avoiding it.

Face the pain of your actions and your heart will fill.

Psalm 121

My Help Comes from the LORD
A Song of Ascents.
1I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.

3He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
4Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
8The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

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